Why have I chosen to document something that so many before me have, and no doubt more eloquently and profoundly than I am about to do so? Because of my own recollection, because even now, over a week later, I am still in absolute awe of the display of music I was given last week at Daft Punk. Certainly in the past 15 years others, those trained and paid to write clichéd and psychophantically literary pieces paying homage to one of the greatest and most evolutionary dance music duos to grace the sweaty, drug and alcohol enhanced dance floors and music events of Europe and the globe in the past, but I’m not trained and while I can be wordy I doubt often my eloquence. Here I shall present what is no doubt going to be a self serving and indulgent piece, but I cant hold back for my brain, as time progresses, due to the alcohol and afore mentioned drugs consumed by any who have equally imbibed daft punks music as well as said substances, my memory may fade, or at least things I wish to cling to will be squandered as the rest f my life progresses. But not this, so this is for me as much as anyone, and it began about four months ago.
Vividly I remember the initial whisperings, first on JJJ, Daft Punk were touring Australia, but it seemed incredulous, and then when the whisper grew to include a possible Perth stop, the idea itself seemed fantastical, some small bit of self simulation on the part of the Perth dance community to feel part of something so big, for we are after all, just Perth, tiny and small and when you consider us in the scheme of things, rather insignificant. Yet one day, driving my children to school, it happened, the confirmation occurred….. not only were Daft Punk coming to Australia, they were playing a show in Perth. I was not alone in my euphoric exhaltation, just go online and have a look, this leg of their tour sold more tickets, and indeed sold them faster than ANY OTHER DAFT PUNK TOUR IN HISTORY. Thank you Perth, we justified their trek to us, and last Sunday, we truly showed our appreciation, and it was paid back tenfold by the greatest performance I have ever witnessed.
After months of heady excitement, of watching you tube videos of the gig, of getting goosebumps, at the giddiness of the mere imagination of how good it could be, days before the gig the horrible fated news, they had oversold…… the fear that maybe I would miss out (as my wonderous work collegue Iris would say, FOMO or fear of missing out) As it turned out it was rumour, but one that struck fear into the hearts of many a ticket holder, for as my friends and I plodded towards the Esplande last Sunday, tickets and rain gear firmly in hand, as we passed through those gates, zionic in their brilliance, a mere 20 mintues after they opened, the sheer size of the crowd already there was sign enough that something big was happening, and we were ready.
Rain and clouds teased us all afternoon, as did somewhat mediocre and humdrum bands, but I didn’t care. So the rain made my naturally curly hair frizz, who cared I was waiting only metres from the stage that would soon showcase the pyramid of Daft Punk. Daft Punk, even now as I type this I can quite believe I have seen them live, Daft Punk. It defies comprehension!
Well the crowd continued to swell and estimates after ranged from 15,000 to 20,000, then factor in the apparently couple of thousand more who pack the foreshore and surrounding area to just hear the show. I know people who sat opposite the park and just drank in the atmosphere from outside the venue, now how many musicians can claim to be able to provide that kind of showmanship without even really playing for YOU?
They were due on at 815, and like any good bride, fashionably late, but not enough to cause panic, and like every other good bride, they did not leave us, the ‘grooms’, as to any doubt as to how much they couldn’t wait to get there. As an odd eery silence fell, after a mad few moments when they had played, to my absolute joy, Life on Mars by Bowie, there was no music, then the signature from Close Encounters rang out over us, and we knew it was just moments before that curtain would part and we would be face to face with the pyramid. As if to reiterate to us just how mortal we were in the presence of these gods, and the smoke rose and the curtain parted to reveal them, it thundered through the speakers.”Robot………………..” and as a group of humanity joined by one desire, to see Daft Punk, we joined in one enourmous voice to scream ABSOLUTE FUCKING MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From then on in it was like being bathed in the most glorious things one could ever dream of. If someone had ever said to me, you can see daft punk what songs would they play to make the set perfect? It all played out before me last Sunday. As the lights penetrated my vision, and my ears ached from the incredible bass, so intense that I swore my phone, set to vibrate, was constantly ringing, I flew. I flew musically harder, better, faster and strong than I have ever flown before!
The most amazingly mind blowing mix I have ever heard of Technologic, and the lead into Harder Better faster Strong from face to Face left many of us gasping in an almost orgasmic afterglow. At no point did the intensity drop, even in the quiet lulls which were so artfully placed between some of their most intense mixes, just drove the crowd to an even greater pitch of feverish excitement.
Like when they chimed in the start of One More Time, I think I actually cried a little bit! They took us to the point where we were sure we knew what was about to come next then they flipped us completely upside down, threw us all over the Esplanade and we loved it!
There is no way to verbally convey the iridescance and brilliance and sheer luminosity of the light show, of the images floating through the crowd, literally wrapped you in the music, this doesn’t even make sense, but the whole experience was such a sensory overload, one week to the day later I am still getting goose bumps and shivers just thinking about it. It was a sensory invasion like no other….. Aerodynamic and One More Time woven into some mind blowing tapestry; for me the penultimate moment had to be as Televison, ironically, bombarded our senses, then without warning, in it came, my favourite Daft Punk song, Crescentdolls…….. I was actually lifted into the air for a moment, literally (thankyou Alex!) and figuratively! I say it was the penultimate moment because well, there was one greater, but I don’t know which one it was… was it the opening “Robot” or the closing to “Da Funk”, or the way they made us wait for what felt a good ten minutes before they did the encore, they left it so long, teased so well, I saw a few people make their way towards the back, only to come screaming forward as they appeared before us again in the pyramid.
I cant separate these moments. Music has always been such an intense thing for me, and the whole day was just one huge moment. As Daft Punk played those final few minutes, as I prayed that the night would continue forever, they left the stage to thunderous applause, screaming, begging for them to return, but the lights came on, bathing us in the sterile light so different to the existentially esoteric show of lighting brilliance that had coated our senses for the previous 90 minutes. The crowd began to discipate, gaps in the tight throng appeared, and then it happened, over the speakers came the deep lingering strains of Elvis Presley “Can’t help falling in love with you”……… I was wrapped up in the arms of someone and we danced like it was a wedding waltz! We sung out loud, we spun, we dipped, we were giddy, and then we smiled at one another and we left.
We do not remember days, we remember moments, and Daft Punk was the greatest musical moment of my life.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Emma T Booker = time for change (complete with spelling errors)
Well, its official. We have a new Prime Minister. Australia is once again entrusting our wellbeing to the Labor Party. So long Liberals. For 11 years you have lined the pockets of the rich while those in need faced continuing hardships. That cherry came round and bit you on the ass tonight didnt it Johnny?
As I sat and watched the election unfold; something I had not done before, however this year a friend of mine was running in a minority party; I was flabergasted at the incredible dicotomy of some of the liberal party stalwarts (for the non Australian readers, the Liberals are the aussie version of the republican party) One gentleman sat there and said how difficult it was to view his fellow collegues losing their jobs and their livelihoods as the seats fell. This was the man who initiated the work place agreement laws which saw many average australians lose their benefits, extra entitlements, accrued leave and all this intrinsically tied to lower wages, and they were the lucky ones, the unlucky ones lost their jobs. Now he sat there and watched the same fate befall his friends, but the differnece was, this was the public saying, enough is enough. See Mr Hockey, it is not so great after all is it? Losing your job and your livelihood for something you see as unfair really sucks doesnt it? But hey, you chose to be a politician in a democracy, and sometimes, when you get so fat that you forget who your bosses really are in a democracy, the rug gets ripped out from under you.
John Howard said before we went to the polls, "If you believe Australia is fundamentally heading in the right direction, do not vote for change"
Mr Howard, we have crippling interest rates, xenophobic migration policies, we are headed for a recession, we have unfair labour laws, an economy that favours those in tax brackets for incomes over $200,00 pa and you led us into a war that the greater portion of the community did not agree with. Fundamentally John, you screwed up, and the people have spoken.
I never really get too political here, I choose not to for I do not have the knowledge to back up my impassioned arguments, but now I cannot hold back. For 11 years we have endured an economy that favours the rich, ignores the community and scratches the back of those who will give those already not needing money, even more cash to live their lives.
Enough is enough.
My boyfriend and I went out for dinner tonight and on the way home stopped at my favourite bookshop (shout out to Planet Books in Mt Lawley) and he bought the book "TAKEOVER: the return of imperial presidency and the subversion of american democracy" by Charles Savage.
Big pic of GWB on the cover........ oh how closely australia has been aligned with that subterfuge and specious construction of reality over the past few years. but no more.. GWB, your born again christian beliefs wont save you in the pages of history, just like John Howards association with you did not save him in this election.
Our new govt will not be able to pull our troops from danger straight away, but at least they have a plan to do so. They will not send wave after wave of them until the enemy is too tired to continue then claim victory as thousands of our best and brightest lie dead on foreign shores.
They will not be able to halt the inevitable interest rate rises that will occur in the next few months due to 11 years of Liberal rule (although the Libs will say it is Rudds fault), but maybe we can hope, in the long run, our international image as a lacky of GWB will diminish, we will take steps to improve our migration policies, we will take steps to improve the climate (although I will state here, I am NOT a global warming advocate, its hype, but we do need to find renewable energy and KYOTO, which out new govt plans to ratify, will assist that).
In Australia we have to vote, we get monetary fines if we do not do so. However previously I have done "donkey votes", but no more. If you do that, or you live in a country where it is not compulsory to vote, and you choose not to, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT WHAT SO EVER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR GOVT IF YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND VOTE OR WERE TOO STUPID TO MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE IN THE BOOTH!
but what it all comes down to, in my mind, is this. The major parties who gain power are fundamentally, not ever really that different. The ideas may seem non divergant, but look beyond that and the rhetoric is the same. Basically when we go to vote, we must decide.... "Which one of these guys, when they fuck me up the ass, will use more lube" and the Australian people have spoken, Kevin Rudd has his KY jelly at the ready.
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
As I sat and watched the election unfold; something I had not done before, however this year a friend of mine was running in a minority party; I was flabergasted at the incredible dicotomy of some of the liberal party stalwarts (for the non Australian readers, the Liberals are the aussie version of the republican party) One gentleman sat there and said how difficult it was to view his fellow collegues losing their jobs and their livelihoods as the seats fell. This was the man who initiated the work place agreement laws which saw many average australians lose their benefits, extra entitlements, accrued leave and all this intrinsically tied to lower wages, and they were the lucky ones, the unlucky ones lost their jobs. Now he sat there and watched the same fate befall his friends, but the differnece was, this was the public saying, enough is enough. See Mr Hockey, it is not so great after all is it? Losing your job and your livelihood for something you see as unfair really sucks doesnt it? But hey, you chose to be a politician in a democracy, and sometimes, when you get so fat that you forget who your bosses really are in a democracy, the rug gets ripped out from under you.
John Howard said before we went to the polls, "If you believe Australia is fundamentally heading in the right direction, do not vote for change"
Mr Howard, we have crippling interest rates, xenophobic migration policies, we are headed for a recession, we have unfair labour laws, an economy that favours those in tax brackets for incomes over $200,00 pa and you led us into a war that the greater portion of the community did not agree with. Fundamentally John, you screwed up, and the people have spoken.
I never really get too political here, I choose not to for I do not have the knowledge to back up my impassioned arguments, but now I cannot hold back. For 11 years we have endured an economy that favours the rich, ignores the community and scratches the back of those who will give those already not needing money, even more cash to live their lives.
Enough is enough.
My boyfriend and I went out for dinner tonight and on the way home stopped at my favourite bookshop (shout out to Planet Books in Mt Lawley) and he bought the book "TAKEOVER: the return of imperial presidency and the subversion of american democracy" by Charles Savage.
Big pic of GWB on the cover........ oh how closely australia has been aligned with that subterfuge and specious construction of reality over the past few years. but no more.. GWB, your born again christian beliefs wont save you in the pages of history, just like John Howards association with you did not save him in this election.
Our new govt will not be able to pull our troops from danger straight away, but at least they have a plan to do so. They will not send wave after wave of them until the enemy is too tired to continue then claim victory as thousands of our best and brightest lie dead on foreign shores.
They will not be able to halt the inevitable interest rate rises that will occur in the next few months due to 11 years of Liberal rule (although the Libs will say it is Rudds fault), but maybe we can hope, in the long run, our international image as a lacky of GWB will diminish, we will take steps to improve our migration policies, we will take steps to improve the climate (although I will state here, I am NOT a global warming advocate, its hype, but we do need to find renewable energy and KYOTO, which out new govt plans to ratify, will assist that).
In Australia we have to vote, we get monetary fines if we do not do so. However previously I have done "donkey votes", but no more. If you do that, or you live in a country where it is not compulsory to vote, and you choose not to, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT WHAT SO EVER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR GOVT IF YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND VOTE OR WERE TOO STUPID TO MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE IN THE BOOTH!
but what it all comes down to, in my mind, is this. The major parties who gain power are fundamentally, not ever really that different. The ideas may seem non divergant, but look beyond that and the rhetoric is the same. Basically when we go to vote, we must decide.... "Which one of these guys, when they fuck me up the ass, will use more lube" and the Australian people have spoken, Kevin Rudd has his KY jelly at the ready.
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
Saturday, October 13, 2007
betrayed.....
How can emptiness, nothingness, consume you so fully?
How can my body betray me so wholly?
My body weeps, and I weep for my body, but my body weeps a torn red. Strength and power, a future, a soul; gone in a moment, but that moment lasts, it feels, an eternity.
My breasts are swollen, sore, tender; the hormones that have driven my sex for millennia kick into action to prepare them for their true purpose; to sustain a life. In a cruel twist, they do not get the message as fast as it comes through. The life they are preparing to nourish is gone, yet they still prepares themselves, as if in a state of denial. They are my tangible, painful reminder of what has been lost.
My belly is empty, I am empty, but my heart is so heavy. The ache weighs me down. I lie in bed, as if bound, unable to move, barely even wanting to breath. Tirednes consumes me, sadness wraps itself around me as if comforting me, yet it is pure grief. Grieving for one I did not even know.
Grieving for myself.
Alone; I feel so alone because the empty pain, the feelings of inadequacy, that I couldn’t fulfil my gender role, I failed wholly as a woman, a feeling that can only be understood by those who have themselves experienced that loss. There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away, no words will sooth it, no amount of care from a loved one eases it. It is a pain I have to let run its course, that is the only path in front of me.
I look into the eyes of my beautiful cherished boys and I see how incredibly wonderful they are, the two amazing lights that I brought into this world, who shine a love so pure and so tangible to those around them; in their faces I see the face of the life that was inside me and I weep.
How can my body betray me so wholly?
My body weeps, and I weep for my body, but my body weeps a torn red. Strength and power, a future, a soul; gone in a moment, but that moment lasts, it feels, an eternity.
My breasts are swollen, sore, tender; the hormones that have driven my sex for millennia kick into action to prepare them for their true purpose; to sustain a life. In a cruel twist, they do not get the message as fast as it comes through. The life they are preparing to nourish is gone, yet they still prepares themselves, as if in a state of denial. They are my tangible, painful reminder of what has been lost.
My belly is empty, I am empty, but my heart is so heavy. The ache weighs me down. I lie in bed, as if bound, unable to move, barely even wanting to breath. Tirednes consumes me, sadness wraps itself around me as if comforting me, yet it is pure grief. Grieving for one I did not even know.
Grieving for myself.
Alone; I feel so alone because the empty pain, the feelings of inadequacy, that I couldn’t fulfil my gender role, I failed wholly as a woman, a feeling that can only be understood by those who have themselves experienced that loss. There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away, no words will sooth it, no amount of care from a loved one eases it. It is a pain I have to let run its course, that is the only path in front of me.
I look into the eyes of my beautiful cherished boys and I see how incredibly wonderful they are, the two amazing lights that I brought into this world, who shine a love so pure and so tangible to those around them; in their faces I see the face of the life that was inside me and I weep.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
BYO Toothbrush
This is a blog I wish I had a glass of red wine sitting by my side while I write. I often wish I wrote more topical and politically motivated blogs, but I guess I need to focus on the stuff I know about. As much as I would love to say I am well rounded, politically aware and able to converse on world events, I can only ever offer forth one sided biased views on global goings on, so, apart from the odd foray into things of a current affairs vein, I shall predominantly stick to that which I know best (or at least am more experienced about!) and that would be, cringe, relationships.
I do not profess to be the messiah of peace who is bridging the gap between the men and women when it comes to relationships. Quite the contrary. I seem to, rather, attract relationships and emotional encounters more reminiscent of the landing at Dunkirk, a mortar attack in Basra or a soccer riot, far from a sartorially elegant and languid afternoon at peace in the Gardens of Babylon.
No the previous tales of emotional comings and goings, of encounters of an erotic nature, of heartbreaks, both mine and others, triumphs and realisations have all been bumping roads riddled with potholes, giant curbs, crazed drivers and busted suspensions. So now I shall embark again on a foray into exploring, or at least attempting to chart in some remedial way, the path have am currently treading through the human relationship jungle.
A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled “Can women f**k like men” where I espoused the tale of shameful behaviour on my part, where I allowed my ability to enjoy sex without strings to equate to a justification for, quite frankly, being a bitch to a great guy. A quick summation would be, I demanded of my readers feedback on whether or not I could indeed fulfil my desire to not subscribe to the “Madonna or Whore” syndrome and combine a life of sexual happiness and exploration with a no strings approach. Some, who, at the time, was a friend of mine, read and commented upon said blog. He and I had often debated our very very different views on sex. He was very much mired in the emotional attachment side of it, and often lambasted me for my, as he saw it, over emphasis of the physical and my inability to form close emotional attachments. I on the other hand defended my subscriptions to sex with emotional attachments, especially when describing women’s approach to it, had their inception in subjugative and patriarchal societal structures, rather than the normal baser instincts that encapsulate us all as biological evolutionary creatures.
Well, since that initial blog things have altered somewhat in my life. Due to this fact the individual afore mentioned commented again today on that blog, and wanted to know what, if anything had changed in my perception and digestion of relationships. The key difference now is that the individual and our relationship has morphed into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.
I can see his interest in me exposing more readily how indeed things have changed, and I have warned him, as he sits beside me now, that he may not like what I have to write, but he is encouraging me to be honest and open, and he respects how much I love my blogs, and well this alone speaks volumes as to why I have chosen to share parts of my life with this man. For the first time ever I have found someone who allows me to be myself, and that is a liberating experience, just like great sex!
So what has changed within me? Was it this man or was it that I suddenly became ready to embrace something more readily and easily described and digested by the greater relationship experiencing public? Well I think I can draw a little from both sides. He allows me to be me, he accepts me as I am fully, and I do not feel I have to change. In fact, point of fact, as I sit here now and he massages my shoulders he just said he loves how much I can be totally honest. For the first time ever I have been able to continue to have my own life and my own interests and not had to curb them or, as in some previous relationships, abandon them altogether, in order to keep the peace in a relationship. This history in itself speaks volumes as to why my views of human relationships has evolved to the point it has.
NOW, there is one thing however that I have curbed since I began this relationship, and that is my polygamous nature. I have currently been monogamous for two months, and at this point have no desire to sleep with anyone else other than my boyfriend, However, he and I have both discussed this, and I have been honest with him about how I am not sure I will be able to remain monogamous. We have discussed things that I will not bring to light here, for they are too much of a personal nature, but needless to say, we have both acknowledged that in the future, an open relationship is something we may need to discuss. Now also I must stress do not get me wrong, it is not a case of ‘only I get to do it’. If we explore an open relationship it is based in trust and faith in one another and it goes both way.
Now I have indeed embraced many elements of a traditional relationship very fast this time around. At one point he had stayed in my house for two and a half weeks, and I finally had to say “Go home” partly because, as I have lived alone for so long (3 1/2 years) I am used to my own space and company, but also because my left over fear of commitment (there, I said it!!!) made me want to put the breaks on a bit. He does indeed adore me, and I am still at the stage where I am uncomfortable having someone care about me as much as he does. Often rather than embracing it I feel smothered by it, but I think that is more my own left over stuff, but then again it takes two to tango and we both need to adjust.
I get antsy when I feel I have to think about someone else. When I get home and I am shitty and want to chill I do not want to have to worry about someone else’s emotional state. Selfish or just me being used to being alone? I am still trying to work it all out. But I think, when he re-reads my blog, and wanted to know what had changed, maybe this is what he was referring to. In that blog I wrote about how I broke up with a guy because after a few weeks he turned up on my doorstep with a toothbrush. Amusingly, that is a story so drenched in folklore and legend amongst my friends that when I told them that the current boy had brought a toothbrush over, their responses were generally just variations on one theme “Did you break up with him?”
Well obviously no. But you know what, I think I can hit the nail on the head with this one. I have not changed, my views on relationships have not changed, I have just been very lucky to meet someone who cares enough about me to allow me to be me, to not judge me, try to control or change me and likes me for the messed up, complicated, often irrational and overly emotive individual I definably am. It is not that I have changed who I am, but the person I am is being accepted and embraced by someone I care about, and that has resulted in a sense of contentment, and that contentment has enabled me to be comfortable and not fight against the definitions of a relationship I previously viewed as disempowering and subjugating.
I do not profess to be the messiah of peace who is bridging the gap between the men and women when it comes to relationships. Quite the contrary. I seem to, rather, attract relationships and emotional encounters more reminiscent of the landing at Dunkirk, a mortar attack in Basra or a soccer riot, far from a sartorially elegant and languid afternoon at peace in the Gardens of Babylon.
No the previous tales of emotional comings and goings, of encounters of an erotic nature, of heartbreaks, both mine and others, triumphs and realisations have all been bumping roads riddled with potholes, giant curbs, crazed drivers and busted suspensions. So now I shall embark again on a foray into exploring, or at least attempting to chart in some remedial way, the path have am currently treading through the human relationship jungle.
A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled “Can women f**k like men” where I espoused the tale of shameful behaviour on my part, where I allowed my ability to enjoy sex without strings to equate to a justification for, quite frankly, being a bitch to a great guy. A quick summation would be, I demanded of my readers feedback on whether or not I could indeed fulfil my desire to not subscribe to the “Madonna or Whore” syndrome and combine a life of sexual happiness and exploration with a no strings approach. Some, who, at the time, was a friend of mine, read and commented upon said blog. He and I had often debated our very very different views on sex. He was very much mired in the emotional attachment side of it, and often lambasted me for my, as he saw it, over emphasis of the physical and my inability to form close emotional attachments. I on the other hand defended my subscriptions to sex with emotional attachments, especially when describing women’s approach to it, had their inception in subjugative and patriarchal societal structures, rather than the normal baser instincts that encapsulate us all as biological evolutionary creatures.
Well, since that initial blog things have altered somewhat in my life. Due to this fact the individual afore mentioned commented again today on that blog, and wanted to know what, if anything had changed in my perception and digestion of relationships. The key difference now is that the individual and our relationship has morphed into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.
I can see his interest in me exposing more readily how indeed things have changed, and I have warned him, as he sits beside me now, that he may not like what I have to write, but he is encouraging me to be honest and open, and he respects how much I love my blogs, and well this alone speaks volumes as to why I have chosen to share parts of my life with this man. For the first time ever I have found someone who allows me to be myself, and that is a liberating experience, just like great sex!
So what has changed within me? Was it this man or was it that I suddenly became ready to embrace something more readily and easily described and digested by the greater relationship experiencing public? Well I think I can draw a little from both sides. He allows me to be me, he accepts me as I am fully, and I do not feel I have to change. In fact, point of fact, as I sit here now and he massages my shoulders he just said he loves how much I can be totally honest. For the first time ever I have been able to continue to have my own life and my own interests and not had to curb them or, as in some previous relationships, abandon them altogether, in order to keep the peace in a relationship. This history in itself speaks volumes as to why my views of human relationships has evolved to the point it has.
NOW, there is one thing however that I have curbed since I began this relationship, and that is my polygamous nature. I have currently been monogamous for two months, and at this point have no desire to sleep with anyone else other than my boyfriend, However, he and I have both discussed this, and I have been honest with him about how I am not sure I will be able to remain monogamous. We have discussed things that I will not bring to light here, for they are too much of a personal nature, but needless to say, we have both acknowledged that in the future, an open relationship is something we may need to discuss. Now also I must stress do not get me wrong, it is not a case of ‘only I get to do it’. If we explore an open relationship it is based in trust and faith in one another and it goes both way.
Now I have indeed embraced many elements of a traditional relationship very fast this time around. At one point he had stayed in my house for two and a half weeks, and I finally had to say “Go home” partly because, as I have lived alone for so long (3 1/2 years) I am used to my own space and company, but also because my left over fear of commitment (there, I said it!!!) made me want to put the breaks on a bit. He does indeed adore me, and I am still at the stage where I am uncomfortable having someone care about me as much as he does. Often rather than embracing it I feel smothered by it, but I think that is more my own left over stuff, but then again it takes two to tango and we both need to adjust.
I get antsy when I feel I have to think about someone else. When I get home and I am shitty and want to chill I do not want to have to worry about someone else’s emotional state. Selfish or just me being used to being alone? I am still trying to work it all out. But I think, when he re-reads my blog, and wanted to know what had changed, maybe this is what he was referring to. In that blog I wrote about how I broke up with a guy because after a few weeks he turned up on my doorstep with a toothbrush. Amusingly, that is a story so drenched in folklore and legend amongst my friends that when I told them that the current boy had brought a toothbrush over, their responses were generally just variations on one theme “Did you break up with him?”
Well obviously no. But you know what, I think I can hit the nail on the head with this one. I have not changed, my views on relationships have not changed, I have just been very lucky to meet someone who cares enough about me to allow me to be me, to not judge me, try to control or change me and likes me for the messed up, complicated, often irrational and overly emotive individual I definably am. It is not that I have changed who I am, but the person I am is being accepted and embraced by someone I care about, and that has resulted in a sense of contentment, and that contentment has enabled me to be comfortable and not fight against the definitions of a relationship I previously viewed as disempowering and subjugating.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Libido, libidon't
Infidelity.............
interesting how the initial root of the word, infidel, is also a term used to describe those who do not subscribe to certain religious philosophy or doctrine......
religion.... that which has so often been used throughout the ages to limit, persecute, subjugate and punish those who are weak or dare to have their own opinion that does not subscribe to that of the masses...
human beings are biologically not designed to be monogomous yet due to religious doctrine we have been moulded into believing that it is the honourable and worthy path to follow.
when I have been in a relationship, as defined by conventional boundries, I have been monogamous..... at this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be monogomous, hence I have refused the last two guys who wanted to take our casual "relationship" to the next level.......
Was I being noble or greedy? ensuring I did not make a promise I could not keep and resulting in them being hurt later?
maybe, maybe not, but I see the cost that infidelity has on a person for someone I love is being cheated on, repeatedly, continually, obviously. They close their eyes to it and it is destroying their life, their relationships with other people around them who are begging them to open their eyes and see the truth, instead they direct their anger at those around them rather than at their spouse; their anger has the space and fuel to bubble up and grow like a demon in the emptiness that is the definition of their relationship, feeding on the hurt and knowledge they so desperately try to deny. the malevolance, the hegemonous creep of the insidiousness of infidelity........ I am not against polygamous lifestyles, but I am against lies, against lies to other and about lies to yourself.......
infidelity stems from trust, when someone trusts so much they close their eyes to the reality placed before them.
infidelity is the existential nightmare no one who is in love wants to have to face: so they choose not to and instead allow the festering sore to permiate and affect every other aspect of their lives
infidelity is a fact of life when dealing with a group of animals driven by hormones and desires, not to mention the complex range of psychological issues that so often go along with it.. From Freudian desires stemming from childhood, the Oedipal struggle apparently within us all, the abstract sexual theories and beliefs of Riechian theories, low self esteem and the need to have the power of knowing you can have your cake and eat it too....
whatever it is it is wrong, but no matter what i know I can never reveal to this person what i know for it is not my place, so rather than do that I shall be here when it all goes to hell, as it inevitabley will, and support and love them through the aftermath; that is if they do not manage to push me away before hand with their own anger and hurt at the truth they know is there but cannot face.
and all those reasons and more are why I will not be in a monogamous relationship right now.......... its not about self esteem, its not about conquest, its about for me, the desire to be able to do it on my terms, and no one elses, but to be in a destructive relationship, blind to the reality before you.. that is not your terms, that is their terms, and I have no wish to be on either side of that coin.
interesting how the initial root of the word, infidel, is also a term used to describe those who do not subscribe to certain religious philosophy or doctrine......
religion.... that which has so often been used throughout the ages to limit, persecute, subjugate and punish those who are weak or dare to have their own opinion that does not subscribe to that of the masses...
human beings are biologically not designed to be monogomous yet due to religious doctrine we have been moulded into believing that it is the honourable and worthy path to follow.
when I have been in a relationship, as defined by conventional boundries, I have been monogamous..... at this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be monogomous, hence I have refused the last two guys who wanted to take our casual "relationship" to the next level.......
Was I being noble or greedy? ensuring I did not make a promise I could not keep and resulting in them being hurt later?
maybe, maybe not, but I see the cost that infidelity has on a person for someone I love is being cheated on, repeatedly, continually, obviously. They close their eyes to it and it is destroying their life, their relationships with other people around them who are begging them to open their eyes and see the truth, instead they direct their anger at those around them rather than at their spouse; their anger has the space and fuel to bubble up and grow like a demon in the emptiness that is the definition of their relationship, feeding on the hurt and knowledge they so desperately try to deny. the malevolance, the hegemonous creep of the insidiousness of infidelity........ I am not against polygamous lifestyles, but I am against lies, against lies to other and about lies to yourself.......
infidelity stems from trust, when someone trusts so much they close their eyes to the reality placed before them.
infidelity is the existential nightmare no one who is in love wants to have to face: so they choose not to and instead allow the festering sore to permiate and affect every other aspect of their lives
infidelity is a fact of life when dealing with a group of animals driven by hormones and desires, not to mention the complex range of psychological issues that so often go along with it.. From Freudian desires stemming from childhood, the Oedipal struggle apparently within us all, the abstract sexual theories and beliefs of Riechian theories, low self esteem and the need to have the power of knowing you can have your cake and eat it too....
whatever it is it is wrong, but no matter what i know I can never reveal to this person what i know for it is not my place, so rather than do that I shall be here when it all goes to hell, as it inevitabley will, and support and love them through the aftermath; that is if they do not manage to push me away before hand with their own anger and hurt at the truth they know is there but cannot face.
and all those reasons and more are why I will not be in a monogamous relationship right now.......... its not about self esteem, its not about conquest, its about for me, the desire to be able to do it on my terms, and no one elses, but to be in a destructive relationship, blind to the reality before you.. that is not your terms, that is their terms, and I have no wish to be on either side of that coin.
Friday, June 8, 2007
I failed as a parent
I am not a good mother. I love my children more than my own life yet I do not have the skills I need to bring them up free of the sadness, the self doubt and the depression that has plagued me since my own childhood.
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
Sunday, May 27, 2007
can women f*ck like men?
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?
Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.
Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....
"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"
Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.
Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....
Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?
Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.
So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........
Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....
"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"
So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response
"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"
and he did.......
Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!
But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).
That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.
men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......
I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......
and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...
I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?
Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.
Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....
"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"
Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.
Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....
Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?
Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.
So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........
Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....
"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"
So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response
"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"
and he did.......
Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!
But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).
That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.
men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......
I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......
and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...
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