Infidelity.............
interesting how the initial root of the word, infidel, is also a term used to describe those who do not subscribe to certain religious philosophy or doctrine......
religion.... that which has so often been used throughout the ages to limit, persecute, subjugate and punish those who are weak or dare to have their own opinion that does not subscribe to that of the masses...
human beings are biologically not designed to be monogomous yet due to religious doctrine we have been moulded into believing that it is the honourable and worthy path to follow.
when I have been in a relationship, as defined by conventional boundries, I have been monogamous..... at this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be monogomous, hence I have refused the last two guys who wanted to take our casual "relationship" to the next level.......
Was I being noble or greedy? ensuring I did not make a promise I could not keep and resulting in them being hurt later?
maybe, maybe not, but I see the cost that infidelity has on a person for someone I love is being cheated on, repeatedly, continually, obviously. They close their eyes to it and it is destroying their life, their relationships with other people around them who are begging them to open their eyes and see the truth, instead they direct their anger at those around them rather than at their spouse; their anger has the space and fuel to bubble up and grow like a demon in the emptiness that is the definition of their relationship, feeding on the hurt and knowledge they so desperately try to deny. the malevolance, the hegemonous creep of the insidiousness of infidelity........ I am not against polygamous lifestyles, but I am against lies, against lies to other and about lies to yourself.......
infidelity stems from trust, when someone trusts so much they close their eyes to the reality placed before them.
infidelity is the existential nightmare no one who is in love wants to have to face: so they choose not to and instead allow the festering sore to permiate and affect every other aspect of their lives
infidelity is a fact of life when dealing with a group of animals driven by hormones and desires, not to mention the complex range of psychological issues that so often go along with it.. From Freudian desires stemming from childhood, the Oedipal struggle apparently within us all, the abstract sexual theories and beliefs of Riechian theories, low self esteem and the need to have the power of knowing you can have your cake and eat it too....
whatever it is it is wrong, but no matter what i know I can never reveal to this person what i know for it is not my place, so rather than do that I shall be here when it all goes to hell, as it inevitabley will, and support and love them through the aftermath; that is if they do not manage to push me away before hand with their own anger and hurt at the truth they know is there but cannot face.
and all those reasons and more are why I will not be in a monogamous relationship right now.......... its not about self esteem, its not about conquest, its about for me, the desire to be able to do it on my terms, and no one elses, but to be in a destructive relationship, blind to the reality before you.. that is not your terms, that is their terms, and I have no wish to be on either side of that coin.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
I failed as a parent
I am not a good mother. I love my children more than my own life yet I do not have the skills I need to bring them up free of the sadness, the self doubt and the depression that has plagued me since my own childhood.
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
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