tragically its all true

I knew I couldnt stay silent for long! I was not called a baulshy bitch for nothing!

A wonderful beautiful friend of mine told me a rather chuckle worthy tale but before I regail you with it, I shall weave an intricate web around another time of my life.....

For a few foolish weeks I yet again flirted with the whole 'fuck buddy' thing. I really liked this guy as a friend, but in a stupid moment of horniness figured, why not? Anyway, he always came across to everyone as a bit of an arrogant so and so, but there was a nice sweet (OK, sheltered due to being an overindulged spoilt kid but anyway) part to him, ANYWAY, I basically decided to break the ice in my usual subtle manner by simply blurting out "hey so do you reckon you can shag without strings cause I am damn horny" and his response immediately put my 'no good hot sex here' radar on full alert, he looked at me stunned then sat on the couch next to me and said nothing for AGES...... but kind kept sliding a bit closer......... after about 20 minutes he said, "I think I can can you?" and I said 'yes' and jumped him.........

Why did I bother? A 22 year old guy was offered no strings sex and it took him 20 minutes to get up the courage to say anything????????? And I ended up jumping him anyway!?!?!?! OMG...... it gets better, oh my does it get better......I gave this chap his first proper blow job, from go to, well, blow, and he exclaimed after that he couldnt believe he hadnt demanded that before (demanded??? nice) BUT the kicker is, it took him less than 2 minutes to come!!! And I still ignored the warning signs ladies!!!! I blundered on convinced it was gonna be OK........

Well we did it that night (he kept his shirt on!!!!!!!!!!!! he was the one with body issues!) and ladies, it slide in and he shot his load............. :( but I slept with him subsequently! What the hell was I thinking!?

Now I am sorry but I know this to be true, I am a damn good shag (and I know he thought so too cause I was told by one of his mates!) and maybe I thought I could train him so subsequent women he encountered would reap the benefits of my years of experience (sluttishness?)....... alas no.

Guys never say this, ever....

"Yeah I will rub out the easy one so I last longer" (what five minutes mate?)

Well after a few weeks of this i figured he could be someone elses problem so I said "I value the friendship more than the sex lets stop".... Mr No strings sat me down and demanded to know why? Whats going on? It was worse than a relationship break up! OMG! And they reckon we are the ones who cant fuck without emotions!?!?!?!
Now would you believe IT GETS BETTER!

After our chat he said to me two things that made me swear never to go back

"I give you two weeks before you come crawling back"

"Can we do it one more time, I really want to try anal sex and film it"

Yes, both of those things were uttered by this 'gentleman' AFTER I said lets not shag anymore!


Now on at least four subsequent occaisons he tried to get into my knickers again, a brilliant example being when he came over one day cause we had not caught up for ages, and he went to leave and I said it was a shame we didnt have more time, his response "I can stay a few more minutes if you let me plow you"........... I asked him to leave!

BUT, months later, I asked for his help on a film related matter, just after another one of his failed get down hels pants missions, and he refused. I bluntly asked him if he would have helped had I fucked him and the idiot responded, "well, probably yes" I told him to fuck off and hung up......... that was a good six months ago and I have not spoken to him since.


NOW, this is what inspired me to tell this tale of bad sex and male idiocy........ my wonderful friend found his myspace page and sent me a message to say that under one of his pictures, there was a comment about him being hung like a horse. Now this guy was not tall but very "masculine", stocky, good facial hair, strong looking, he did have a ridiculously hairy back (shudder, once again I ignored ALL the warning signs!) hence the shirt on during sex (and he NEVER walked around naked! that is like the BEST thing about being intimate with someone! getting to walk about naked! I love that! I am rarely dressed at home anyway..... except for my ugg boots, but anyway)

Now, here is the reveal, and I can tell you know what it is......... this man with all these signs of uber manliness had without a doubt the smallest penis I have ever ever ever seen; ever.......

It was possibly four inches when fully hard, maybe, and he was one of those guys who always went soft (actually the only one I ever had but my friends have told me the sad tale) so not only was it incredibly small it was next to useless have the time anyway........

This I was going to come crawling back for???????????

This can barely last five minutes even with an 'easy rub out' prior to the main event?

I have been very very lucky in my sexual encounters (yes I will admit there have been many, I like sex but not relationships, work it out for yourself) and I have only had two small penises, his was one and his was the smallest.......... you would think a guy with so little to offer would make sure his other skills were up to scratch but alas no..... another great quote from him "I cant go down on you too long, my jaw gets tired" WHAT WAS I THINKING????

As I am sure I have said previously, I disagree with the oft used comment "Sex is like pizza, even when its bad its good" er, so so so no! Especially in this case!

I expect alot from my partners, as I like to give alot, and I have had some awesome awesome sex in my time, just recently I partook of a marathon six hour session that involved every room in the house, a mercy dash to get more condoms and lube, some awesomely placed piercings (oh my THAT was good), ended with us in the back yard on a swing as the sun came up and took us two days to recover from.......... That is what I expect sex to be! I like sex! Mr No strings did not provide sex, I cant even label what he provided it was so bad (and small).

I wanted a 400 gram toblerone bar and what I got was one of those home brand chocolate frogs that was snapped in half and had that icky white stuff on it.........

So I now have a rule, if I go the shag and its not GREAT first time out, I dont go back......... am I a mean and cruel bitch? I like to think so......

and as an interesting aside, another one of my 'daliances' prior to our get togetehr, told me how hung he was, he even used the term "baby holding an apple"...... well it must have been a very very premature baby holding the worlds tiniest apple.... GUYS WE ARE NOT SILLY, JUST CAUSE YOU SAY ITS BIG DOES NOT MEAN WE WILL THINK IT IS WHEN WE SEE IT! This guy was average, but cause he talked it up so much I expected alot, and well, oh dear. Now I didnt sleep with him, I had taken a vow of celibacy, no penetration, and as I said to a friend after (who happens to have one of the HUGEST I have ever seen, I am talking MASSIVE, and yes, it is another male friend I have shagged, so what) I was not going to blow my vow of celibacy on somwthing that would barely touch the sides!!!

Now I am sure many of you will think this is awful of me to write, but I am sorry I look upon it this way.... for so long we women ahve had to deal with the utter objectification by men, if we dont measure Cleo or Cosmoplitanesque models of female beauty we are labelled bags, moles, thighs too big, ass to big, boobs not big enough... this is my chance to say guess what, you guys dont always deliver the goods, and as another friend of mine and I laughed about the other day, a vagina is a vagina, but a penis is not just a penis! Oh dear no! And you know what, to repeat a former blog, size does matter, its the meat AND the motion, bigger is always better and I am yet to meet a girl who doesnt love a good solid cock!

You can keep your home brand chocolate frog with its white icky stuff, I am going my 400 gram toblerone.......