can women f*ck like men?

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?

Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.

Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....

"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"

Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.

Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....

Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?

Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.

So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........

Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....

"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"

So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response

"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"

and he did.......


Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!

But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).

That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.

men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......

I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......

and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...

This is me

I learned some time ago that you cannot rely on anyone else. Fundamementally the only person who will ever act to truly protect you, look after you and put your wellbeing first is yourself. There is a symbiotic relationship between our hearts and our head though that falters at times, we only need to look at how some people choose a rampant path of destruction to define themselves, however I always thought I had enough self preservation, even respect for myself to not choose that path… imagine my disappointment when I discovered I had been betrayed by myself, by my heart, by my brain; when I told myself I was safe and happy and to have faith and forge onward into something positive. It turned out I had been directed into something that would scar me, burn me and forever more change the person I am today, and not for the better. The person who was always open and willing to give people a chance, who believed that deception was not at the forefront of every word uttered by someone in a conversation is now long gone. Forever more I shall be jaded, guarded and one who believes that people have been put on this planet to test, hurt and irreparably damage the innocence and purity that we are given at birth.

So how did this happen? How did my self-preservation instinct get clouded and lost when I so needed it most? By lies; by deception; by someone who told me what I wanted to hear in order to believe that a friendship of such deepness and seeming enduringness would survive the trials and tribulations of life…

Arrogance; the arrogance of some people, arrogance that makes you angry when they impose their opinions upon you, when you find out in hindsight they have twisted events and made themselves out to be this irresistible person, they make you out to be a laughing stock, they belittle you, they elevate their own flagging sense of self esteem by trying to make you out to be a victim; and yes to a degree I was, however to find out after that when you never asked for or wanted a relationship that this person has not only told people information to the contrary but embellished it to the point that you have literally stalked them gives rise to such feelings of utter indignation…. When someone who you know to be so intoxicated not only by their own feelings of grandeur and further enhanced by their habitual drug use (a sure fire sign to someone who is utterly unhappy with their life and their place in this world) makes such untrue statements about you as a person it is hard to go against your baser instincts and scream, fight and defend yourself… that is what I want to do, however I now try to conduct myself with an element of dignity, I will not reduce myself to his level, to his pathetic, self indulgent egocentric, phallocentric way of thinking and living his life.

I know details of his current life, details that further enforce what a terrible hurtful and self obsessed person this man is, and I also know details of the ultimate comeuppance, and I want so desperately to detail them here, but I wont, because to do so would lower me to his level; instead I shall hold them for myself and chuckle on the inside when times are tough.

This is an evil blog, not in my usual vein, part of me feels bad for writing it, but part of me wants to name and shame and scream from the rooftops that none should be allowed to treat people in this way, nobody has the right to take other peoples emotions and use them to prop up their own flagging self esteem.

I once blogged about a wonderful and beautiful friend of mine who was having a hard time with her partner, he constantly cut her down and did not treat her they way she should be treated. Outwardly she appeared to have it all yet at this time in her life when she should have been utterly happy, she was being pulled down, her essence, her inner beauty, her real self was being beaten down by someone who could not stand to see her radiate such amazing beauty…. Why are people like this? I do not profess to be beautiful or attractive on the outside, but I have always tried to be beautiful on the inside, make what I do count more than the way I look, but I suffer the usual human condition of being insecure about my physical appearance…. But why do people try to cut you down? As Kamal said “why are people so unkind?”

Oh I know, this blog is basically a rant about the unjustness of relationships, friendships and deeper ones, but what I guess I am trying to express is my utter anger, my anger more so in myself, not him, that I allowed someone I saw as a deep friend, not a relationship, to hurt me so much that I can no longer consider forming a deeper connection with someone, that the fear of being hurt by those I care for is so great I would rather cut myself off from forming those bonds again.

But if I do that, he wins. His arrogance would assume it is because I cannot get over him; well that is far from the truth. The reason I was motivated to write this was because I know I am terrified, I am so afraid, because I did meet someone, someone that I connected with (I hate that term but alas it fits the context). I met someone that I shared things with I have not shared with anyone ever, but I fear because although I have been so hurt before, I am still unable to completely guard myself and my emotions, so I still make myself vulnerable, which leads to this fear; fear that those things will be used against me, used to hurt me, turned around to belittle me, that I will be mocked for my honesty.

That is when I think maybe I am not such a bad person, for even after all the grief and hurt I still have to be myself, I still have to be honest with people, I’m still willing to expose some of the deepest and most intimate things that have occurred, and I do it because we are all the same; everyone hurts; everyone gets hurt; everyone suffers; and while some may not be able to express it, or they deal with it in a different way, by sharing it, it makes me feel like I am winning. I am still able to be the person I want to be, the person my mother even told me I should change (she told me to develop a layer of cynicism and not trust people). Yes, it makes me more vulnerable to others who are mean hearted and want to hurt, but I look at it that one day I will be surrounded by others who are the same as me and then honesty will be the one constant and it will be wonderful. As I have said before, some people may laugh or feel they have one up on me because I have been so open in a forum such as this, but I believe this mindset speaks volumes as to the nasty and hurtfulness of their basic humanity rather than indicating a weakness in my own.

People who change you monumentally, for the better... in the unlikeliest of ways

I had prepared and written a huge blog detailing the events of my life over the past few days but as I have sat here this evening and pontificated I decided these events cannot be described in the details I had outlined. I know I should edit this but I wont, because the nature of the changes these incidents have had on my life, in a way demand that my detailing of them comes right from the heart, in its purest form, without editing.

They involved people whose honour and pride is paramount and I had no right what so ever to detail incidents I had born witness to, incidents outside the realm of my understanding and comprehension. What I can do however, is try to explain how the unlikeliest of people have impacted upon my life in a way I never thought possible, how some of my strongly held beliefs and opinions have been forever altered by me finally dropping my barriers and allowing myself to get to know some people I had never sought to interact with previously; I speak of the American Sailors..

Now before I go on I need to clarify, Sailors is the broad media term used to describe the annual docking and resultant onslaught of drunk young guys letting off steam. I am specifically talking about the Marine Corps guys I had the absolute pleasure of spending time with.

Now I had always avoided town when they had come in, any interactions I had ever had had been rather negative, they were too loud, too drunk and too sleazy; what is that saying someone came up with "American Sailors, overpaid, oversexed and over here", but this year, working in a bar, I had no way out! Yes, many of the guys who came in were offensively indicative of the negative traits I just detailed... Mr Worlds Greatest Street Fighter and his friend My Pen Is Huge. sigh.. however through the noise, alcohol and bravado, a still inhibriated but much quieter group of marines emerged. These boys have forever altered my opinion of the military, and while I am not pro war, I have always had respect for those who go and risk their lives for I do not have the courage to do such a selfless act; that respect and admiration is now infinately greater.

I spoke to these boys, spent time with them, time not sullied by the effects of alcohol, they told me some of their stories, why they had gone to the marines, things about their families, their homes, their relationships with each other. And for me, most poignant and most lingering as to the depth of courage honour and humanity I saw in these boys, they spent time with my children, they cared for them, they gave of their time to make sure my kids were having fun, and that is no small feat!

One of the most enduring images I shall hold dear is of, on the drive home from Mandurah, looking in the rear view mirror and seeing my two sons, holding the hand of a US Marine and as they rested their heads in his lap he stroked their hair; it was heartbreakingly beautiful to see someone who I knew had born witness to some horrific events and had to, i am sure, do things you or I could never concieve of, exhibiting such tenderness, it was a moment of complete human kindness.....

These boys are ordinary people, they are like us, however they have chosen to push themselves and become extraordinary, and they have been thrust into an environment so utterly esoteric and out of the realm of our comprehension, we who sit here have no right to cast any judgement.

Now I know there have been incidents cited in the media about the military in Iraq, about the breaches of human rights, but as with any line of work, there are always the few who behave negatively...... to put it in context, shall we assume that all AFL footballers are lying cheating police running away from cowards who hide behind their clubs and their lawyers when they screw up due to being drug addicts?? I thought not, and now I shall be an ardent defender of the troops whenever I hear anyone espousing anti military sentiment.

Two of these boys I know are heading home, their tour is up, they now choose to stay and continue to fight or become former Marines (not an ex marine, there are no ex marines) and re-enter civilian life. One of them, the one who tenderly stroked my sons hair as they slept, has two years left. As I sit here now I start to cry thinking about him going back. For the next two years he will constantly be in my thoughts until I know he is safely home. My tears show that I am not someone pro war. As much as I respect and admire their courage, I still cannot understand how they can do it, how they find the courage to face that fear and forge on, because I do not think I could.

I am thankful for having met them, especially one of them, who shared with me and was honest and raw as a human being with me, more than anyone else ever has. I know some of you probably laugh at this, yeah so it's just a bunch of US Sailors... well no they are not...... these boys are amazing people who have faced adversity, challenges and experiences that existentially would be so influencial, yet also completely unable to be endured by the greater proportion of our community.

Be anti war, be anti Bush, be whatever you want to be, but don't be anti those who go on the front line and risk their lives every day they are out there, for they do not make the war, they are not the ones creating the reasons and conflicts, they are not the political machine that thrusts the globe into conflict. But they are the front line when it comes to its defense and those of them who conduct themselves with the honour, humanity and courage I witnessed deserve nothing but our support and respect, for respect is something to be earned, not assigned due to a badge or station, and these boys, in my eyes, will forever have my infinate respect.

May the USS Boxer bring you home safely boys