can women f*ck like men?

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?

Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.

Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....

"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"

Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.

Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....

Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?

Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.

"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"

My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.

So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........

Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....

"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"

So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response

"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"

and he did.......


Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!

But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).

That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.

men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......

I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......

and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...