This is me

I learned some time ago that you cannot rely on anyone else. Fundamementally the only person who will ever act to truly protect you, look after you and put your wellbeing first is yourself. There is a symbiotic relationship between our hearts and our head though that falters at times, we only need to look at how some people choose a rampant path of destruction to define themselves, however I always thought I had enough self preservation, even respect for myself to not choose that path… imagine my disappointment when I discovered I had been betrayed by myself, by my heart, by my brain; when I told myself I was safe and happy and to have faith and forge onward into something positive. It turned out I had been directed into something that would scar me, burn me and forever more change the person I am today, and not for the better. The person who was always open and willing to give people a chance, who believed that deception was not at the forefront of every word uttered by someone in a conversation is now long gone. Forever more I shall be jaded, guarded and one who believes that people have been put on this planet to test, hurt and irreparably damage the innocence and purity that we are given at birth.

So how did this happen? How did my self-preservation instinct get clouded and lost when I so needed it most? By lies; by deception; by someone who told me what I wanted to hear in order to believe that a friendship of such deepness and seeming enduringness would survive the trials and tribulations of life…

Arrogance; the arrogance of some people, arrogance that makes you angry when they impose their opinions upon you, when you find out in hindsight they have twisted events and made themselves out to be this irresistible person, they make you out to be a laughing stock, they belittle you, they elevate their own flagging sense of self esteem by trying to make you out to be a victim; and yes to a degree I was, however to find out after that when you never asked for or wanted a relationship that this person has not only told people information to the contrary but embellished it to the point that you have literally stalked them gives rise to such feelings of utter indignation…. When someone who you know to be so intoxicated not only by their own feelings of grandeur and further enhanced by their habitual drug use (a sure fire sign to someone who is utterly unhappy with their life and their place in this world) makes such untrue statements about you as a person it is hard to go against your baser instincts and scream, fight and defend yourself… that is what I want to do, however I now try to conduct myself with an element of dignity, I will not reduce myself to his level, to his pathetic, self indulgent egocentric, phallocentric way of thinking and living his life.

I know details of his current life, details that further enforce what a terrible hurtful and self obsessed person this man is, and I also know details of the ultimate comeuppance, and I want so desperately to detail them here, but I wont, because to do so would lower me to his level; instead I shall hold them for myself and chuckle on the inside when times are tough.

This is an evil blog, not in my usual vein, part of me feels bad for writing it, but part of me wants to name and shame and scream from the rooftops that none should be allowed to treat people in this way, nobody has the right to take other peoples emotions and use them to prop up their own flagging self esteem.

I once blogged about a wonderful and beautiful friend of mine who was having a hard time with her partner, he constantly cut her down and did not treat her they way she should be treated. Outwardly she appeared to have it all yet at this time in her life when she should have been utterly happy, she was being pulled down, her essence, her inner beauty, her real self was being beaten down by someone who could not stand to see her radiate such amazing beauty…. Why are people like this? I do not profess to be beautiful or attractive on the outside, but I have always tried to be beautiful on the inside, make what I do count more than the way I look, but I suffer the usual human condition of being insecure about my physical appearance…. But why do people try to cut you down? As Kamal said “why are people so unkind?”

Oh I know, this blog is basically a rant about the unjustness of relationships, friendships and deeper ones, but what I guess I am trying to express is my utter anger, my anger more so in myself, not him, that I allowed someone I saw as a deep friend, not a relationship, to hurt me so much that I can no longer consider forming a deeper connection with someone, that the fear of being hurt by those I care for is so great I would rather cut myself off from forming those bonds again.

But if I do that, he wins. His arrogance would assume it is because I cannot get over him; well that is far from the truth. The reason I was motivated to write this was because I know I am terrified, I am so afraid, because I did meet someone, someone that I connected with (I hate that term but alas it fits the context). I met someone that I shared things with I have not shared with anyone ever, but I fear because although I have been so hurt before, I am still unable to completely guard myself and my emotions, so I still make myself vulnerable, which leads to this fear; fear that those things will be used against me, used to hurt me, turned around to belittle me, that I will be mocked for my honesty.

That is when I think maybe I am not such a bad person, for even after all the grief and hurt I still have to be myself, I still have to be honest with people, I’m still willing to expose some of the deepest and most intimate things that have occurred, and I do it because we are all the same; everyone hurts; everyone gets hurt; everyone suffers; and while some may not be able to express it, or they deal with it in a different way, by sharing it, it makes me feel like I am winning. I am still able to be the person I want to be, the person my mother even told me I should change (she told me to develop a layer of cynicism and not trust people). Yes, it makes me more vulnerable to others who are mean hearted and want to hurt, but I look at it that one day I will be surrounded by others who are the same as me and then honesty will be the one constant and it will be wonderful. As I have said before, some people may laugh or feel they have one up on me because I have been so open in a forum such as this, but I believe this mindset speaks volumes as to the nasty and hurtfulness of their basic humanity rather than indicating a weakness in my own.