betrayed.....

How can emptiness, nothingness, consume you so fully?
How can my body betray me so wholly?

My body weeps, and I weep for my body, but my body weeps a torn red. Strength and power, a future, a soul; gone in a moment, but that moment lasts, it feels, an eternity.

My breasts are swollen, sore, tender; the hormones that have driven my sex for millennia kick into action to prepare them for their true purpose; to sustain a life. In a cruel twist, they do not get the message as fast as it comes through. The life they are preparing to nourish is gone, yet they still prepares themselves, as if in a state of denial. They are my tangible, painful reminder of what has been lost.

My belly is empty, I am empty, but my heart is so heavy. The ache weighs me down. I lie in bed, as if bound, unable to move, barely even wanting to breath. Tirednes consumes me, sadness wraps itself around me as if comforting me, yet it is pure grief. Grieving for one I did not even know.
Grieving for myself.


Alone; I feel so alone because the empty pain, the feelings of inadequacy, that I couldn’t fulfil my gender role, I failed wholly as a woman, a feeling that can only be understood by those who have themselves experienced that loss. There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away, no words will sooth it, no amount of care from a loved one eases it. It is a pain I have to let run its course, that is the only path in front of me.

I look into the eyes of my beautiful cherished boys and I see how incredibly wonderful they are, the two amazing lights that I brought into this world, who shine a love so pure and so tangible to those around them; in their faces I see the face of the life that was inside me and I weep.