BYO Toothbrush

This is a blog I wish I had a glass of red wine sitting by my side while I write. I often wish I wrote more topical and politically motivated blogs, but I guess I need to focus on the stuff I know about. As much as I would love to say I am well rounded, politically aware and able to converse on world events, I can only ever offer forth one sided biased views on global goings on, so, apart from the odd foray into things of a current affairs vein, I shall predominantly stick to that which I know best (or at least am more experienced about!) and that would be, cringe, relationships.

I do not profess to be the messiah of peace who is bridging the gap between the men and women when it comes to relationships. Quite the contrary. I seem to, rather, attract relationships and emotional encounters more reminiscent of the landing at Dunkirk, a mortar attack in Basra or a soccer riot, far from a sartorially elegant and languid afternoon at peace in the Gardens of Babylon.

No the previous tales of emotional comings and goings, of encounters of an erotic nature, of heartbreaks, both mine and others, triumphs and realisations have all been bumping roads riddled with potholes, giant curbs, crazed drivers and busted suspensions. So now I shall embark again on a foray into exploring, or at least attempting to chart in some remedial way, the path have am currently treading through the human relationship jungle.

A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled “Can women f**k like men” where I espoused the tale of shameful behaviour on my part, where I allowed my ability to enjoy sex without strings to equate to a justification for, quite frankly, being a bitch to a great guy. A quick summation would be, I demanded of my readers feedback on whether or not I could indeed fulfil my desire to not subscribe to the “Madonna or Whore” syndrome and combine a life of sexual happiness and exploration with a no strings approach. Some, who, at the time, was a friend of mine, read and commented upon said blog. He and I had often debated our very very different views on sex. He was very much mired in the emotional attachment side of it, and often lambasted me for my, as he saw it, over emphasis of the physical and my inability to form close emotional attachments. I on the other hand defended my subscriptions to sex with emotional attachments, especially when describing women’s approach to it, had their inception in subjugative and patriarchal societal structures, rather than the normal baser instincts that encapsulate us all as biological evolutionary creatures.

Well, since that initial blog things have altered somewhat in my life. Due to this fact the individual afore mentioned commented again today on that blog, and wanted to know what, if anything had changed in my perception and digestion of relationships. The key difference now is that the individual and our relationship has morphed into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.

I can see his interest in me exposing more readily how indeed things have changed, and I have warned him, as he sits beside me now, that he may not like what I have to write, but he is encouraging me to be honest and open, and he respects how much I love my blogs, and well this alone speaks volumes as to why I have chosen to share parts of my life with this man. For the first time ever I have found someone who allows me to be myself, and that is a liberating experience, just like great sex!

So what has changed within me? Was it this man or was it that I suddenly became ready to embrace something more readily and easily described and digested by the greater relationship experiencing public? Well I think I can draw a little from both sides. He allows me to be me, he accepts me as I am fully, and I do not feel I have to change. In fact, point of fact, as I sit here now and he massages my shoulders he just said he loves how much I can be totally honest. For the first time ever I have been able to continue to have my own life and my own interests and not had to curb them or, as in some previous relationships, abandon them altogether, in order to keep the peace in a relationship. This history in itself speaks volumes as to why my views of human relationships has evolved to the point it has.

NOW, there is one thing however that I have curbed since I began this relationship, and that is my polygamous nature. I have currently been monogamous for two months, and at this point have no desire to sleep with anyone else other than my boyfriend, However, he and I have both discussed this, and I have been honest with him about how I am not sure I will be able to remain monogamous. We have discussed things that I will not bring to light here, for they are too much of a personal nature, but needless to say, we have both acknowledged that in the future, an open relationship is something we may need to discuss. Now also I must stress do not get me wrong, it is not a case of ‘only I get to do it’. If we explore an open relationship it is based in trust and faith in one another and it goes both way.

Now I have indeed embraced many elements of a traditional relationship very fast this time around. At one point he had stayed in my house for two and a half weeks, and I finally had to say “Go home” partly because, as I have lived alone for so long (3 1/2 years) I am used to my own space and company, but also because my left over fear of commitment (there, I said it!!!) made me want to put the breaks on a bit. He does indeed adore me, and I am still at the stage where I am uncomfortable having someone care about me as much as he does. Often rather than embracing it I feel smothered by it, but I think that is more my own left over stuff, but then again it takes two to tango and we both need to adjust.

I get antsy when I feel I have to think about someone else. When I get home and I am shitty and want to chill I do not want to have to worry about someone else’s emotional state. Selfish or just me being used to being alone? I am still trying to work it all out. But I think, when he re-reads my blog, and wanted to know what had changed, maybe this is what he was referring to. In that blog I wrote about how I broke up with a guy because after a few weeks he turned up on my doorstep with a toothbrush. Amusingly, that is a story so drenched in folklore and legend amongst my friends that when I told them that the current boy had brought a toothbrush over, their responses were generally just variations on one theme “Did you break up with him?”

Well obviously no. But you know what, I think I can hit the nail on the head with this one. I have not changed, my views on relationships have not changed, I have just been very lucky to meet someone who cares enough about me to allow me to be me, to not judge me, try to control or change me and likes me for the messed up, complicated, often irrational and overly emotive individual I definably am. It is not that I have changed who I am, but the person I am is being accepted and embraced by someone I care about, and that has resulted in a sense of contentment, and that contentment has enabled me to be comfortable and not fight against the definitions of a relationship I previously viewed as disempowering and subjugating.