How can emptiness, nothingness, consume you so fully?
How can my body betray me so wholly?
My body weeps, and I weep for my body, but my body weeps a torn red. Strength and power, a future, a soul; gone in a moment, but that moment lasts, it feels, an eternity.
My breasts are swollen, sore, tender; the hormones that have driven my sex for millennia kick into action to prepare them for their true purpose; to sustain a life. In a cruel twist, they do not get the message as fast as it comes through. The life they are preparing to nourish is gone, yet they still prepares themselves, as if in a state of denial. They are my tangible, painful reminder of what has been lost.
My belly is empty, I am empty, but my heart is so heavy. The ache weighs me down. I lie in bed, as if bound, unable to move, barely even wanting to breath. Tirednes consumes me, sadness wraps itself around me as if comforting me, yet it is pure grief. Grieving for one I did not even know.
Grieving for myself.
Alone; I feel so alone because the empty pain, the feelings of inadequacy, that I couldn’t fulfil my gender role, I failed wholly as a woman, a feeling that can only be understood by those who have themselves experienced that loss. There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away, no words will sooth it, no amount of care from a loved one eases it. It is a pain I have to let run its course, that is the only path in front of me.
I look into the eyes of my beautiful cherished boys and I see how incredibly wonderful they are, the two amazing lights that I brought into this world, who shine a love so pure and so tangible to those around them; in their faces I see the face of the life that was inside me and I weep.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
BYO Toothbrush
This is a blog I wish I had a glass of red wine sitting by my side while I write. I often wish I wrote more topical and politically motivated blogs, but I guess I need to focus on the stuff I know about. As much as I would love to say I am well rounded, politically aware and able to converse on world events, I can only ever offer forth one sided biased views on global goings on, so, apart from the odd foray into things of a current affairs vein, I shall predominantly stick to that which I know best (or at least am more experienced about!) and that would be, cringe, relationships.
I do not profess to be the messiah of peace who is bridging the gap between the men and women when it comes to relationships. Quite the contrary. I seem to, rather, attract relationships and emotional encounters more reminiscent of the landing at Dunkirk, a mortar attack in Basra or a soccer riot, far from a sartorially elegant and languid afternoon at peace in the Gardens of Babylon.
No the previous tales of emotional comings and goings, of encounters of an erotic nature, of heartbreaks, both mine and others, triumphs and realisations have all been bumping roads riddled with potholes, giant curbs, crazed drivers and busted suspensions. So now I shall embark again on a foray into exploring, or at least attempting to chart in some remedial way, the path have am currently treading through the human relationship jungle.
A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled “Can women f**k like men” where I espoused the tale of shameful behaviour on my part, where I allowed my ability to enjoy sex without strings to equate to a justification for, quite frankly, being a bitch to a great guy. A quick summation would be, I demanded of my readers feedback on whether or not I could indeed fulfil my desire to not subscribe to the “Madonna or Whore” syndrome and combine a life of sexual happiness and exploration with a no strings approach. Some, who, at the time, was a friend of mine, read and commented upon said blog. He and I had often debated our very very different views on sex. He was very much mired in the emotional attachment side of it, and often lambasted me for my, as he saw it, over emphasis of the physical and my inability to form close emotional attachments. I on the other hand defended my subscriptions to sex with emotional attachments, especially when describing women’s approach to it, had their inception in subjugative and patriarchal societal structures, rather than the normal baser instincts that encapsulate us all as biological evolutionary creatures.
Well, since that initial blog things have altered somewhat in my life. Due to this fact the individual afore mentioned commented again today on that blog, and wanted to know what, if anything had changed in my perception and digestion of relationships. The key difference now is that the individual and our relationship has morphed into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.
I can see his interest in me exposing more readily how indeed things have changed, and I have warned him, as he sits beside me now, that he may not like what I have to write, but he is encouraging me to be honest and open, and he respects how much I love my blogs, and well this alone speaks volumes as to why I have chosen to share parts of my life with this man. For the first time ever I have found someone who allows me to be myself, and that is a liberating experience, just like great sex!
So what has changed within me? Was it this man or was it that I suddenly became ready to embrace something more readily and easily described and digested by the greater relationship experiencing public? Well I think I can draw a little from both sides. He allows me to be me, he accepts me as I am fully, and I do not feel I have to change. In fact, point of fact, as I sit here now and he massages my shoulders he just said he loves how much I can be totally honest. For the first time ever I have been able to continue to have my own life and my own interests and not had to curb them or, as in some previous relationships, abandon them altogether, in order to keep the peace in a relationship. This history in itself speaks volumes as to why my views of human relationships has evolved to the point it has.
NOW, there is one thing however that I have curbed since I began this relationship, and that is my polygamous nature. I have currently been monogamous for two months, and at this point have no desire to sleep with anyone else other than my boyfriend, However, he and I have both discussed this, and I have been honest with him about how I am not sure I will be able to remain monogamous. We have discussed things that I will not bring to light here, for they are too much of a personal nature, but needless to say, we have both acknowledged that in the future, an open relationship is something we may need to discuss. Now also I must stress do not get me wrong, it is not a case of ‘only I get to do it’. If we explore an open relationship it is based in trust and faith in one another and it goes both way.
Now I have indeed embraced many elements of a traditional relationship very fast this time around. At one point he had stayed in my house for two and a half weeks, and I finally had to say “Go home” partly because, as I have lived alone for so long (3 1/2 years) I am used to my own space and company, but also because my left over fear of commitment (there, I said it!!!) made me want to put the breaks on a bit. He does indeed adore me, and I am still at the stage where I am uncomfortable having someone care about me as much as he does. Often rather than embracing it I feel smothered by it, but I think that is more my own left over stuff, but then again it takes two to tango and we both need to adjust.
I get antsy when I feel I have to think about someone else. When I get home and I am shitty and want to chill I do not want to have to worry about someone else’s emotional state. Selfish or just me being used to being alone? I am still trying to work it all out. But I think, when he re-reads my blog, and wanted to know what had changed, maybe this is what he was referring to. In that blog I wrote about how I broke up with a guy because after a few weeks he turned up on my doorstep with a toothbrush. Amusingly, that is a story so drenched in folklore and legend amongst my friends that when I told them that the current boy had brought a toothbrush over, their responses were generally just variations on one theme “Did you break up with him?”
Well obviously no. But you know what, I think I can hit the nail on the head with this one. I have not changed, my views on relationships have not changed, I have just been very lucky to meet someone who cares enough about me to allow me to be me, to not judge me, try to control or change me and likes me for the messed up, complicated, often irrational and overly emotive individual I definably am. It is not that I have changed who I am, but the person I am is being accepted and embraced by someone I care about, and that has resulted in a sense of contentment, and that contentment has enabled me to be comfortable and not fight against the definitions of a relationship I previously viewed as disempowering and subjugating.
I do not profess to be the messiah of peace who is bridging the gap between the men and women when it comes to relationships. Quite the contrary. I seem to, rather, attract relationships and emotional encounters more reminiscent of the landing at Dunkirk, a mortar attack in Basra or a soccer riot, far from a sartorially elegant and languid afternoon at peace in the Gardens of Babylon.
No the previous tales of emotional comings and goings, of encounters of an erotic nature, of heartbreaks, both mine and others, triumphs and realisations have all been bumping roads riddled with potholes, giant curbs, crazed drivers and busted suspensions. So now I shall embark again on a foray into exploring, or at least attempting to chart in some remedial way, the path have am currently treading through the human relationship jungle.
A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled “Can women f**k like men” where I espoused the tale of shameful behaviour on my part, where I allowed my ability to enjoy sex without strings to equate to a justification for, quite frankly, being a bitch to a great guy. A quick summation would be, I demanded of my readers feedback on whether or not I could indeed fulfil my desire to not subscribe to the “Madonna or Whore” syndrome and combine a life of sexual happiness and exploration with a no strings approach. Some, who, at the time, was a friend of mine, read and commented upon said blog. He and I had often debated our very very different views on sex. He was very much mired in the emotional attachment side of it, and often lambasted me for my, as he saw it, over emphasis of the physical and my inability to form close emotional attachments. I on the other hand defended my subscriptions to sex with emotional attachments, especially when describing women’s approach to it, had their inception in subjugative and patriarchal societal structures, rather than the normal baser instincts that encapsulate us all as biological evolutionary creatures.
Well, since that initial blog things have altered somewhat in my life. Due to this fact the individual afore mentioned commented again today on that blog, and wanted to know what, if anything had changed in my perception and digestion of relationships. The key difference now is that the individual and our relationship has morphed into a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.
I can see his interest in me exposing more readily how indeed things have changed, and I have warned him, as he sits beside me now, that he may not like what I have to write, but he is encouraging me to be honest and open, and he respects how much I love my blogs, and well this alone speaks volumes as to why I have chosen to share parts of my life with this man. For the first time ever I have found someone who allows me to be myself, and that is a liberating experience, just like great sex!
So what has changed within me? Was it this man or was it that I suddenly became ready to embrace something more readily and easily described and digested by the greater relationship experiencing public? Well I think I can draw a little from both sides. He allows me to be me, he accepts me as I am fully, and I do not feel I have to change. In fact, point of fact, as I sit here now and he massages my shoulders he just said he loves how much I can be totally honest. For the first time ever I have been able to continue to have my own life and my own interests and not had to curb them or, as in some previous relationships, abandon them altogether, in order to keep the peace in a relationship. This history in itself speaks volumes as to why my views of human relationships has evolved to the point it has.
NOW, there is one thing however that I have curbed since I began this relationship, and that is my polygamous nature. I have currently been monogamous for two months, and at this point have no desire to sleep with anyone else other than my boyfriend, However, he and I have both discussed this, and I have been honest with him about how I am not sure I will be able to remain monogamous. We have discussed things that I will not bring to light here, for they are too much of a personal nature, but needless to say, we have both acknowledged that in the future, an open relationship is something we may need to discuss. Now also I must stress do not get me wrong, it is not a case of ‘only I get to do it’. If we explore an open relationship it is based in trust and faith in one another and it goes both way.
Now I have indeed embraced many elements of a traditional relationship very fast this time around. At one point he had stayed in my house for two and a half weeks, and I finally had to say “Go home” partly because, as I have lived alone for so long (3 1/2 years) I am used to my own space and company, but also because my left over fear of commitment (there, I said it!!!) made me want to put the breaks on a bit. He does indeed adore me, and I am still at the stage where I am uncomfortable having someone care about me as much as he does. Often rather than embracing it I feel smothered by it, but I think that is more my own left over stuff, but then again it takes two to tango and we both need to adjust.
I get antsy when I feel I have to think about someone else. When I get home and I am shitty and want to chill I do not want to have to worry about someone else’s emotional state. Selfish or just me being used to being alone? I am still trying to work it all out. But I think, when he re-reads my blog, and wanted to know what had changed, maybe this is what he was referring to. In that blog I wrote about how I broke up with a guy because after a few weeks he turned up on my doorstep with a toothbrush. Amusingly, that is a story so drenched in folklore and legend amongst my friends that when I told them that the current boy had brought a toothbrush over, their responses were generally just variations on one theme “Did you break up with him?”
Well obviously no. But you know what, I think I can hit the nail on the head with this one. I have not changed, my views on relationships have not changed, I have just been very lucky to meet someone who cares enough about me to allow me to be me, to not judge me, try to control or change me and likes me for the messed up, complicated, often irrational and overly emotive individual I definably am. It is not that I have changed who I am, but the person I am is being accepted and embraced by someone I care about, and that has resulted in a sense of contentment, and that contentment has enabled me to be comfortable and not fight against the definitions of a relationship I previously viewed as disempowering and subjugating.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Libido, libidon't
Infidelity.............
interesting how the initial root of the word, infidel, is also a term used to describe those who do not subscribe to certain religious philosophy or doctrine......
religion.... that which has so often been used throughout the ages to limit, persecute, subjugate and punish those who are weak or dare to have their own opinion that does not subscribe to that of the masses...
human beings are biologically not designed to be monogomous yet due to religious doctrine we have been moulded into believing that it is the honourable and worthy path to follow.
when I have been in a relationship, as defined by conventional boundries, I have been monogamous..... at this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be monogomous, hence I have refused the last two guys who wanted to take our casual "relationship" to the next level.......
Was I being noble or greedy? ensuring I did not make a promise I could not keep and resulting in them being hurt later?
maybe, maybe not, but I see the cost that infidelity has on a person for someone I love is being cheated on, repeatedly, continually, obviously. They close their eyes to it and it is destroying their life, their relationships with other people around them who are begging them to open their eyes and see the truth, instead they direct their anger at those around them rather than at their spouse; their anger has the space and fuel to bubble up and grow like a demon in the emptiness that is the definition of their relationship, feeding on the hurt and knowledge they so desperately try to deny. the malevolance, the hegemonous creep of the insidiousness of infidelity........ I am not against polygamous lifestyles, but I am against lies, against lies to other and about lies to yourself.......
infidelity stems from trust, when someone trusts so much they close their eyes to the reality placed before them.
infidelity is the existential nightmare no one who is in love wants to have to face: so they choose not to and instead allow the festering sore to permiate and affect every other aspect of their lives
infidelity is a fact of life when dealing with a group of animals driven by hormones and desires, not to mention the complex range of psychological issues that so often go along with it.. From Freudian desires stemming from childhood, the Oedipal struggle apparently within us all, the abstract sexual theories and beliefs of Riechian theories, low self esteem and the need to have the power of knowing you can have your cake and eat it too....
whatever it is it is wrong, but no matter what i know I can never reveal to this person what i know for it is not my place, so rather than do that I shall be here when it all goes to hell, as it inevitabley will, and support and love them through the aftermath; that is if they do not manage to push me away before hand with their own anger and hurt at the truth they know is there but cannot face.
and all those reasons and more are why I will not be in a monogamous relationship right now.......... its not about self esteem, its not about conquest, its about for me, the desire to be able to do it on my terms, and no one elses, but to be in a destructive relationship, blind to the reality before you.. that is not your terms, that is their terms, and I have no wish to be on either side of that coin.
interesting how the initial root of the word, infidel, is also a term used to describe those who do not subscribe to certain religious philosophy or doctrine......
religion.... that which has so often been used throughout the ages to limit, persecute, subjugate and punish those who are weak or dare to have their own opinion that does not subscribe to that of the masses...
human beings are biologically not designed to be monogomous yet due to religious doctrine we have been moulded into believing that it is the honourable and worthy path to follow.
when I have been in a relationship, as defined by conventional boundries, I have been monogamous..... at this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be monogomous, hence I have refused the last two guys who wanted to take our casual "relationship" to the next level.......
Was I being noble or greedy? ensuring I did not make a promise I could not keep and resulting in them being hurt later?
maybe, maybe not, but I see the cost that infidelity has on a person for someone I love is being cheated on, repeatedly, continually, obviously. They close their eyes to it and it is destroying their life, their relationships with other people around them who are begging them to open their eyes and see the truth, instead they direct their anger at those around them rather than at their spouse; their anger has the space and fuel to bubble up and grow like a demon in the emptiness that is the definition of their relationship, feeding on the hurt and knowledge they so desperately try to deny. the malevolance, the hegemonous creep of the insidiousness of infidelity........ I am not against polygamous lifestyles, but I am against lies, against lies to other and about lies to yourself.......
infidelity stems from trust, when someone trusts so much they close their eyes to the reality placed before them.
infidelity is the existential nightmare no one who is in love wants to have to face: so they choose not to and instead allow the festering sore to permiate and affect every other aspect of their lives
infidelity is a fact of life when dealing with a group of animals driven by hormones and desires, not to mention the complex range of psychological issues that so often go along with it.. From Freudian desires stemming from childhood, the Oedipal struggle apparently within us all, the abstract sexual theories and beliefs of Riechian theories, low self esteem and the need to have the power of knowing you can have your cake and eat it too....
whatever it is it is wrong, but no matter what i know I can never reveal to this person what i know for it is not my place, so rather than do that I shall be here when it all goes to hell, as it inevitabley will, and support and love them through the aftermath; that is if they do not manage to push me away before hand with their own anger and hurt at the truth they know is there but cannot face.
and all those reasons and more are why I will not be in a monogamous relationship right now.......... its not about self esteem, its not about conquest, its about for me, the desire to be able to do it on my terms, and no one elses, but to be in a destructive relationship, blind to the reality before you.. that is not your terms, that is their terms, and I have no wish to be on either side of that coin.
Friday, June 8, 2007
I failed as a parent
I am not a good mother. I love my children more than my own life yet I do not have the skills I need to bring them up free of the sadness, the self doubt and the depression that has plagued me since my own childhood.
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
Bringing a child into this world is, in of itself, a terrifying prospect. Motherhood the first time around for me was a surprise; never an accident. A vision of beauty, love, purity and complete humanity as wonderful as my eldest son could never be construed as an accident. Our pregnancy with him, the subsequent empowering birth experience I had and our years together have been joyous and wonderful, so many other adjectives I could insert here, all to add to the hyperbolic message that indeed, this child is phenomenal. Maybe it was because I was surprised, maybe it was my age, I was 23 when I got pregnant with him, maybe it was fear, fear of failure, but now I fear I have failed my eldest child.
To fear you have let down a child is so all encompassing, consuming and debilitating in its enormity. My Mum, I will suggest, felt that she let me down as well, for whatever her reasons may have been, and her answer was to push me, to drive me to succeed, to inspire me to be independent and free; she spent my entire life telling me not to get married or have children until I was in my mid 30s………… so when at 23, in my final semester of uni, I found myself pregnant, the waves of failure I felt at letting down my mum washed over me, and I think this was where it began.
Unfortunately my mum failed in her mission. Rather than making me strive for more, I have spent my entire life never feeling good enough, worthy enough, worth liking, worth loving, I always felt that I needed to do more in order for someone to like me, and that the minute I slipped up, I could be cast aside, for all that matters is making sure your behaviour is making those around you happy.
I suffer from the hideously debilitating condition of constantly trying to please people. It is obviously a combination of a number of factors, if we had infinite time and a few books on Freud and Jungian psychology I could regale you with endless tales of parental relationship markers that point to my mental health demise… and what has come out of this? Throw in another psychologist, albeit one whose ideas can be at times considered a tad out there, and I will use myself, my behaviours in relationships and my interactions with those I feel vulnerable with to illustrate clearly the theory of Riechian Armouring!
So why, when I can see my obvious flaws, when I can see what mistakes my parents made, why am I still floundering with my child? Why do I feel I am letting him down? Because in him I see me.
Now his younger brother, possibley two more polarised siblings you would never meet. He is an incredible light that wanders this planet. His was a planned coming into the family, and his arrival date, Sept 11th 2001, should have been the marker as to the personality and path of destruction (but in a good way!) he leaves in his wake! Loud, breathtakingly intelligent, rough and tumble, but still full of love, this child leaves me in no doubt as to his ability to cope with what the world throws his way. Even at a young age he has shown me his resilience, his determination, his tenacity. He could not be LESS like me if he tried. All the things I see in myself as weak, he does not possess. All the attributes I would want as a person, I see in him; to envy a child of five for their confidence and independence is a surreal experience.
His elder brother however, is me. He is too willing to trust, too easily hurt, quick to dwell on the negative, there is no ‘water off a ducks back’, like me, he mires in the sadness, finds it hard to move forward, feels he needs to say sorry for things of no consequence. In him I see me and I don’t know what to do.
I do not know how to make it a better path for him. I do not have the skills as a parent to pull him through this for I was not given them myself. I am trying to do a better job than my parents did but I constantly fear it will not be good enough.
It will be my greatest failure, the ultimate tragedy, if one of my children grows up to feel the way about their place in this world as I do. They deserve more than that, they deserve to be seen for the incredible adults the two of them shall become, and I want my eldest son to grow and be the best he can be, not wallow and flounder and never succeed like I have so spectacularly managed to do.
It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with the negative emotions I have dealt with since I was a child, first diagnosed with depression at 8.
When I speak to him, and I hear my mothers words coming out, I shudder, I berate myself, a punish myself. He deserves more, he deserves a Mum who is able to give him the tools he needs to be a happy human being, and I fear I cannot do this.
Please do not get me wrong, I love my children more than my own life, in my darkest hours it is the thought of them that makes me keep going, I know nothing but love for them, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that love is not always enough, and in my case, no matter how much I love them, I fear I shall end up letting them down
Sunday, May 27, 2007
can women f*ck like men?
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?
Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.
Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....
"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"
Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.
Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....
Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?
Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.
So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........
Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....
"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"
So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response
"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"
and he did.......
Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!
But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).
That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.
men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......
I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......
and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...
I was not setting out to test this question, I just suddenly found myself behaving in a manner so shoking that I was forced to look at myself and wonder, am I really becoming that cynical and unable to have any level of real intimacy with someone?
Now most of you who read this know I do not do the conventional relationship thing. I cannot, at this time in my life, consider monogamy as an option, and well unfortunately in this society that makes many consider me a whore; but is it not better to be single and empower yourself and do what you want sexually rather than lie to yourself, be in a relationship because it's the done thing and then screw around on your partner? That to me is much worse than choosing to sleep with different people.
Let me also clarify I DO NOT DO one night stands, random pick ups at Bars or Clubs, nope nope nope, not my thing. I offer forth that the most cogent explanation would be that I date, but a variety of people, there is no long term commitment and the relationships are sexual, but there are limits.....
"Look, maybe it's best if I just go home"
Now obviously I do unfortunately find myself getting attached at times, which is ALWAYS to my detriment (see previous blogs for first hand evidence as to the disasters that ensued) so now I endevour to remain strictly casual. Emotionally stunted? Maybe. Crippled by fear? Certainly. Willing to live a celibate life? Definately not. So why should I, just due to my gender, have only two choices, relationship or spinsterhood? The madonna/whore syndrome. I say I challenge that and choose to have a life where i get the best of both worlds.
Last night however, I think I crossed a line that made me not, in actuality, fuck like a man, but in fact just behave like an abhorrent prick, that if I heard of a guy doing this to one of my friends I would publically lambast him, name and shame and tell all my female friends to stay away from him.....
Let me first just detail a story, possibley to offer forth for you a greater understanding of my utter fear of intimacy and as a way to prepare you for how utterly horrid I was. Coming up to two years ago I attempted, more at the behest of friends who felt I should give it a go, something that, for want of a better word, could be defined as a relationship. he was lovely, we had heaps in common and we used to be able to talk and talk and talk and he embraced all of the fabulous neurosis that make up lil ole me. However after about 6 weeks, he turned up on my doorstep one day with an enormous grin on his face holding a toothbrush. My resultant enquiry as to the why of the situation elictted this resposnse from said gentlemen "Its so I can leave it here for when I stay over! Now I have my own toothbrush here!" to which I responded "We need to talk" and I broke it off.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So does that profer some kind of inkling into my mind set? I do not know if it is that I am just not in a place where I can consider a relationship, if I have not met the right person or am I just a person who gets bored easily? I cant have the same thing for breakfast every day......
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
So, what could have occured that has made me actually question whether or not I am crossing the line from a woman who enjoys sex on my own terms or whether I have crossed that line and become some female version of Glen Quagmire?
Last night I lovely guy I know, someone I met through a good friend at the beginning of the year, came over......... no I shall not give details of events, but I will detail that we have enjoyed each others company before, no I dont mean in that way either! We went to Slayer, we have hung out, we have alot in common, we get on well, he is someone that i would consider a friend, with or without the sex. Last night however he came over at my request for I was, as Beetlejuice so wonderfully put it, anxious.
"Look, maybe its best if I just go home"
My guard had gone up before he even arrived for when I was talking to him on the phone he asked if he should bring a bag over (I was working til 11pm so it was a late booty call) as he started work at 630am and he could leave from my place. After a somewhat pregnant pause I choked out something along the lines of an "OK" and prayed to god I wouldnt flip....... alas.
So he arrives, and he ended up waiting as I was late since I decided to stay for a staff drink after work, and it was cold and wet last night, so that adds to my bitch status on this one. Anyway, deed done, anxiety released..... and we went to watch some tv, and he tried to get snuggley with me on the couch, tried to start making out, and I actually said, to my utter horror, I could not even believe it as it came out of my mouth "But the Formula 1 is on and I want to watch it".........
Well at least I wasnt lying, I do indeed love Formula 1.....
"Look maybe it's best if I just go home"
So a short while later I drew attension to the fact that it was very late and that we should try to sleep..... he indicated that he would rather get down and dirty again, but my desire for a shag had been sated so I responded with the comment I was tired! OMG. He then said well then lets go to bed and this is when it happened. I turned to him and said I could not share my bed with someone, I hated not sleeping alone and he could have the bed and I would crash on my couch.... his response
"Look, maybe it's better if I just go home"
and he did.......
Now dont get me wrong, he was more than welcome to stay over, just not sleep in my bed ALL NIGHT!
But after thinking about my reaction to the situation, both last night and as I have detailed it now, I think I was probably on the hyper defensive because he had made an assumption that he could indeed bring his stuff and stay over. The contravenes all the rules and regulations of the "fuck buddy", it crosses into a realm that I frankly have no desire to visit......... and then it made me come to another realisation, I'm not THAT evil for there is someone who could stay over in my bed as long as they wished to. Someone that I would not break my "no relationship" rule for but someone who, none the less, has got to me a litle bit more than the rest and if it was possible (alas it is not) he could indeed crash in my bed whenever he so chose to (although our track record would contraindicate any sleep being accomplished).
That little thought made me realise one final thing in the scenario that had been played out in my lounge and bedroom, with one, I believe, misguided player who did not learn all of his lines correctly before becoming part of the ensemble cast that is my life....... I cannot always fuck like a man. I get lost some times, I become someone who craves and wants more than anything to be with someone, to hold them and be held, to talk, to fall asleep in one anothers arms and wake up there aswell. Other times I just want to get laid, and last night was one of those circumstances.
men do that all the time...... and I never said I would call him, I never lied to him and promised something more, I told him it was just sex, and yet he wanted to try to extend it just a bit more........ I finally understand why guys hate girls who think you fuck once and its a relationship......
I will put it out there now, I am not anti relationships, I would not refuse a relationship if I met the right guy, but I am not actively seeking to find that guy at this point in my life......
and right now, apart from my two beautiful baby boys, there is only one other person who is allowed to come into my space, my home, my bed and stay awhile...... and he knows who he is...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
This is me
I learned some time ago that you cannot rely on anyone else. Fundamementally the only person who will ever act to truly protect you, look after you and put your wellbeing first is yourself. There is a symbiotic relationship between our hearts and our head though that falters at times, we only need to look at how some people choose a rampant path of destruction to define themselves, however I always thought I had enough self preservation, even respect for myself to not choose that path… imagine my disappointment when I discovered I had been betrayed by myself, by my heart, by my brain; when I told myself I was safe and happy and to have faith and forge onward into something positive. It turned out I had been directed into something that would scar me, burn me and forever more change the person I am today, and not for the better. The person who was always open and willing to give people a chance, who believed that deception was not at the forefront of every word uttered by someone in a conversation is now long gone. Forever more I shall be jaded, guarded and one who believes that people have been put on this planet to test, hurt and irreparably damage the innocence and purity that we are given at birth.
So how did this happen? How did my self-preservation instinct get clouded and lost when I so needed it most? By lies; by deception; by someone who told me what I wanted to hear in order to believe that a friendship of such deepness and seeming enduringness would survive the trials and tribulations of life…
Arrogance; the arrogance of some people, arrogance that makes you angry when they impose their opinions upon you, when you find out in hindsight they have twisted events and made themselves out to be this irresistible person, they make you out to be a laughing stock, they belittle you, they elevate their own flagging sense of self esteem by trying to make you out to be a victim; and yes to a degree I was, however to find out after that when you never asked for or wanted a relationship that this person has not only told people information to the contrary but embellished it to the point that you have literally stalked them gives rise to such feelings of utter indignation…. When someone who you know to be so intoxicated not only by their own feelings of grandeur and further enhanced by their habitual drug use (a sure fire sign to someone who is utterly unhappy with their life and their place in this world) makes such untrue statements about you as a person it is hard to go against your baser instincts and scream, fight and defend yourself… that is what I want to do, however I now try to conduct myself with an element of dignity, I will not reduce myself to his level, to his pathetic, self indulgent egocentric, phallocentric way of thinking and living his life.
I know details of his current life, details that further enforce what a terrible hurtful and self obsessed person this man is, and I also know details of the ultimate comeuppance, and I want so desperately to detail them here, but I wont, because to do so would lower me to his level; instead I shall hold them for myself and chuckle on the inside when times are tough.
This is an evil blog, not in my usual vein, part of me feels bad for writing it, but part of me wants to name and shame and scream from the rooftops that none should be allowed to treat people in this way, nobody has the right to take other peoples emotions and use them to prop up their own flagging self esteem.
I once blogged about a wonderful and beautiful friend of mine who was having a hard time with her partner, he constantly cut her down and did not treat her they way she should be treated. Outwardly she appeared to have it all yet at this time in her life when she should have been utterly happy, she was being pulled down, her essence, her inner beauty, her real self was being beaten down by someone who could not stand to see her radiate such amazing beauty…. Why are people like this? I do not profess to be beautiful or attractive on the outside, but I have always tried to be beautiful on the inside, make what I do count more than the way I look, but I suffer the usual human condition of being insecure about my physical appearance…. But why do people try to cut you down? As Kamal said “why are people so unkind?”
Oh I know, this blog is basically a rant about the unjustness of relationships, friendships and deeper ones, but what I guess I am trying to express is my utter anger, my anger more so in myself, not him, that I allowed someone I saw as a deep friend, not a relationship, to hurt me so much that I can no longer consider forming a deeper connection with someone, that the fear of being hurt by those I care for is so great I would rather cut myself off from forming those bonds again.
But if I do that, he wins. His arrogance would assume it is because I cannot get over him; well that is far from the truth. The reason I was motivated to write this was because I know I am terrified, I am so afraid, because I did meet someone, someone that I connected with (I hate that term but alas it fits the context). I met someone that I shared things with I have not shared with anyone ever, but I fear because although I have been so hurt before, I am still unable to completely guard myself and my emotions, so I still make myself vulnerable, which leads to this fear; fear that those things will be used against me, used to hurt me, turned around to belittle me, that I will be mocked for my honesty.
That is when I think maybe I am not such a bad person, for even after all the grief and hurt I still have to be myself, I still have to be honest with people, I’m still willing to expose some of the deepest and most intimate things that have occurred, and I do it because we are all the same; everyone hurts; everyone gets hurt; everyone suffers; and while some may not be able to express it, or they deal with it in a different way, by sharing it, it makes me feel like I am winning. I am still able to be the person I want to be, the person my mother even told me I should change (she told me to develop a layer of cynicism and not trust people). Yes, it makes me more vulnerable to others who are mean hearted and want to hurt, but I look at it that one day I will be surrounded by others who are the same as me and then honesty will be the one constant and it will be wonderful. As I have said before, some people may laugh or feel they have one up on me because I have been so open in a forum such as this, but I believe this mindset speaks volumes as to the nasty and hurtfulness of their basic humanity rather than indicating a weakness in my own.
So how did this happen? How did my self-preservation instinct get clouded and lost when I so needed it most? By lies; by deception; by someone who told me what I wanted to hear in order to believe that a friendship of such deepness and seeming enduringness would survive the trials and tribulations of life…
Arrogance; the arrogance of some people, arrogance that makes you angry when they impose their opinions upon you, when you find out in hindsight they have twisted events and made themselves out to be this irresistible person, they make you out to be a laughing stock, they belittle you, they elevate their own flagging sense of self esteem by trying to make you out to be a victim; and yes to a degree I was, however to find out after that when you never asked for or wanted a relationship that this person has not only told people information to the contrary but embellished it to the point that you have literally stalked them gives rise to such feelings of utter indignation…. When someone who you know to be so intoxicated not only by their own feelings of grandeur and further enhanced by their habitual drug use (a sure fire sign to someone who is utterly unhappy with their life and their place in this world) makes such untrue statements about you as a person it is hard to go against your baser instincts and scream, fight and defend yourself… that is what I want to do, however I now try to conduct myself with an element of dignity, I will not reduce myself to his level, to his pathetic, self indulgent egocentric, phallocentric way of thinking and living his life.
I know details of his current life, details that further enforce what a terrible hurtful and self obsessed person this man is, and I also know details of the ultimate comeuppance, and I want so desperately to detail them here, but I wont, because to do so would lower me to his level; instead I shall hold them for myself and chuckle on the inside when times are tough.
This is an evil blog, not in my usual vein, part of me feels bad for writing it, but part of me wants to name and shame and scream from the rooftops that none should be allowed to treat people in this way, nobody has the right to take other peoples emotions and use them to prop up their own flagging self esteem.
I once blogged about a wonderful and beautiful friend of mine who was having a hard time with her partner, he constantly cut her down and did not treat her they way she should be treated. Outwardly she appeared to have it all yet at this time in her life when she should have been utterly happy, she was being pulled down, her essence, her inner beauty, her real self was being beaten down by someone who could not stand to see her radiate such amazing beauty…. Why are people like this? I do not profess to be beautiful or attractive on the outside, but I have always tried to be beautiful on the inside, make what I do count more than the way I look, but I suffer the usual human condition of being insecure about my physical appearance…. But why do people try to cut you down? As Kamal said “why are people so unkind?”
Oh I know, this blog is basically a rant about the unjustness of relationships, friendships and deeper ones, but what I guess I am trying to express is my utter anger, my anger more so in myself, not him, that I allowed someone I saw as a deep friend, not a relationship, to hurt me so much that I can no longer consider forming a deeper connection with someone, that the fear of being hurt by those I care for is so great I would rather cut myself off from forming those bonds again.
But if I do that, he wins. His arrogance would assume it is because I cannot get over him; well that is far from the truth. The reason I was motivated to write this was because I know I am terrified, I am so afraid, because I did meet someone, someone that I connected with (I hate that term but alas it fits the context). I met someone that I shared things with I have not shared with anyone ever, but I fear because although I have been so hurt before, I am still unable to completely guard myself and my emotions, so I still make myself vulnerable, which leads to this fear; fear that those things will be used against me, used to hurt me, turned around to belittle me, that I will be mocked for my honesty.
That is when I think maybe I am not such a bad person, for even after all the grief and hurt I still have to be myself, I still have to be honest with people, I’m still willing to expose some of the deepest and most intimate things that have occurred, and I do it because we are all the same; everyone hurts; everyone gets hurt; everyone suffers; and while some may not be able to express it, or they deal with it in a different way, by sharing it, it makes me feel like I am winning. I am still able to be the person I want to be, the person my mother even told me I should change (she told me to develop a layer of cynicism and not trust people). Yes, it makes me more vulnerable to others who are mean hearted and want to hurt, but I look at it that one day I will be surrounded by others who are the same as me and then honesty will be the one constant and it will be wonderful. As I have said before, some people may laugh or feel they have one up on me because I have been so open in a forum such as this, but I believe this mindset speaks volumes as to the nasty and hurtfulness of their basic humanity rather than indicating a weakness in my own.
Friday, May 4, 2007
People who change you monumentally, for the better... in the unlikeliest of ways
I had prepared and written a huge blog detailing the events of my life over the past few days but as I have sat here this evening and pontificated I decided these events cannot be described in the details I had outlined. I know I should edit this but I wont, because the nature of the changes these incidents have had on my life, in a way demand that my detailing of them comes right from the heart, in its purest form, without editing.
They involved people whose honour and pride is paramount and I had no right what so ever to detail incidents I had born witness to, incidents outside the realm of my understanding and comprehension. What I can do however, is try to explain how the unlikeliest of people have impacted upon my life in a way I never thought possible, how some of my strongly held beliefs and opinions have been forever altered by me finally dropping my barriers and allowing myself to get to know some people I had never sought to interact with previously; I speak of the American Sailors..
Now before I go on I need to clarify, Sailors is the broad media term used to describe the annual docking and resultant onslaught of drunk young guys letting off steam. I am specifically talking about the Marine Corps guys I had the absolute pleasure of spending time with.
Now I had always avoided town when they had come in, any interactions I had ever had had been rather negative, they were too loud, too drunk and too sleazy; what is that saying someone came up with "American Sailors, overpaid, oversexed and over here", but this year, working in a bar, I had no way out! Yes, many of the guys who came in were offensively indicative of the negative traits I just detailed... Mr Worlds Greatest Street Fighter and his friend My Pen Is Huge. sigh.. however through the noise, alcohol and bravado, a still inhibriated but much quieter group of marines emerged. These boys have forever altered my opinion of the military, and while I am not pro war, I have always had respect for those who go and risk their lives for I do not have the courage to do such a selfless act; that respect and admiration is now infinately greater.
I spoke to these boys, spent time with them, time not sullied by the effects of alcohol, they told me some of their stories, why they had gone to the marines, things about their families, their homes, their relationships with each other. And for me, most poignant and most lingering as to the depth of courage honour and humanity I saw in these boys, they spent time with my children, they cared for them, they gave of their time to make sure my kids were having fun, and that is no small feat!
One of the most enduring images I shall hold dear is of, on the drive home from Mandurah, looking in the rear view mirror and seeing my two sons, holding the hand of a US Marine and as they rested their heads in his lap he stroked their hair; it was heartbreakingly beautiful to see someone who I knew had born witness to some horrific events and had to, i am sure, do things you or I could never concieve of, exhibiting such tenderness, it was a moment of complete human kindness.....
These boys are ordinary people, they are like us, however they have chosen to push themselves and become extraordinary, and they have been thrust into an environment so utterly esoteric and out of the realm of our comprehension, we who sit here have no right to cast any judgement.
Now I know there have been incidents cited in the media about the military in Iraq, about the breaches of human rights, but as with any line of work, there are always the few who behave negatively...... to put it in context, shall we assume that all AFL footballers are lying cheating police running away from cowards who hide behind their clubs and their lawyers when they screw up due to being drug addicts?? I thought not, and now I shall be an ardent defender of the troops whenever I hear anyone espousing anti military sentiment.
Two of these boys I know are heading home, their tour is up, they now choose to stay and continue to fight or become former Marines (not an ex marine, there are no ex marines) and re-enter civilian life. One of them, the one who tenderly stroked my sons hair as they slept, has two years left. As I sit here now I start to cry thinking about him going back. For the next two years he will constantly be in my thoughts until I know he is safely home. My tears show that I am not someone pro war. As much as I respect and admire their courage, I still cannot understand how they can do it, how they find the courage to face that fear and forge on, because I do not think I could.
I am thankful for having met them, especially one of them, who shared with me and was honest and raw as a human being with me, more than anyone else ever has. I know some of you probably laugh at this, yeah so it's just a bunch of US Sailors... well no they are not...... these boys are amazing people who have faced adversity, challenges and experiences that existentially would be so influencial, yet also completely unable to be endured by the greater proportion of our community.
Be anti war, be anti Bush, be whatever you want to be, but don't be anti those who go on the front line and risk their lives every day they are out there, for they do not make the war, they are not the ones creating the reasons and conflicts, they are not the political machine that thrusts the globe into conflict. But they are the front line when it comes to its defense and those of them who conduct themselves with the honour, humanity and courage I witnessed deserve nothing but our support and respect, for respect is something to be earned, not assigned due to a badge or station, and these boys, in my eyes, will forever have my infinate respect.
May the USS Boxer bring you home safely boys
They involved people whose honour and pride is paramount and I had no right what so ever to detail incidents I had born witness to, incidents outside the realm of my understanding and comprehension. What I can do however, is try to explain how the unlikeliest of people have impacted upon my life in a way I never thought possible, how some of my strongly held beliefs and opinions have been forever altered by me finally dropping my barriers and allowing myself to get to know some people I had never sought to interact with previously; I speak of the American Sailors..
Now before I go on I need to clarify, Sailors is the broad media term used to describe the annual docking and resultant onslaught of drunk young guys letting off steam. I am specifically talking about the Marine Corps guys I had the absolute pleasure of spending time with.
Now I had always avoided town when they had come in, any interactions I had ever had had been rather negative, they were too loud, too drunk and too sleazy; what is that saying someone came up with "American Sailors, overpaid, oversexed and over here", but this year, working in a bar, I had no way out! Yes, many of the guys who came in were offensively indicative of the negative traits I just detailed... Mr Worlds Greatest Street Fighter and his friend My Pen Is Huge. sigh.. however through the noise, alcohol and bravado, a still inhibriated but much quieter group of marines emerged. These boys have forever altered my opinion of the military, and while I am not pro war, I have always had respect for those who go and risk their lives for I do not have the courage to do such a selfless act; that respect and admiration is now infinately greater.
I spoke to these boys, spent time with them, time not sullied by the effects of alcohol, they told me some of their stories, why they had gone to the marines, things about their families, their homes, their relationships with each other. And for me, most poignant and most lingering as to the depth of courage honour and humanity I saw in these boys, they spent time with my children, they cared for them, they gave of their time to make sure my kids were having fun, and that is no small feat!
One of the most enduring images I shall hold dear is of, on the drive home from Mandurah, looking in the rear view mirror and seeing my two sons, holding the hand of a US Marine and as they rested their heads in his lap he stroked their hair; it was heartbreakingly beautiful to see someone who I knew had born witness to some horrific events and had to, i am sure, do things you or I could never concieve of, exhibiting such tenderness, it was a moment of complete human kindness.....
These boys are ordinary people, they are like us, however they have chosen to push themselves and become extraordinary, and they have been thrust into an environment so utterly esoteric and out of the realm of our comprehension, we who sit here have no right to cast any judgement.
Now I know there have been incidents cited in the media about the military in Iraq, about the breaches of human rights, but as with any line of work, there are always the few who behave negatively...... to put it in context, shall we assume that all AFL footballers are lying cheating police running away from cowards who hide behind their clubs and their lawyers when they screw up due to being drug addicts?? I thought not, and now I shall be an ardent defender of the troops whenever I hear anyone espousing anti military sentiment.
Two of these boys I know are heading home, their tour is up, they now choose to stay and continue to fight or become former Marines (not an ex marine, there are no ex marines) and re-enter civilian life. One of them, the one who tenderly stroked my sons hair as they slept, has two years left. As I sit here now I start to cry thinking about him going back. For the next two years he will constantly be in my thoughts until I know he is safely home. My tears show that I am not someone pro war. As much as I respect and admire their courage, I still cannot understand how they can do it, how they find the courage to face that fear and forge on, because I do not think I could.
I am thankful for having met them, especially one of them, who shared with me and was honest and raw as a human being with me, more than anyone else ever has. I know some of you probably laugh at this, yeah so it's just a bunch of US Sailors... well no they are not...... these boys are amazing people who have faced adversity, challenges and experiences that existentially would be so influencial, yet also completely unable to be endured by the greater proportion of our community.
Be anti war, be anti Bush, be whatever you want to be, but don't be anti those who go on the front line and risk their lives every day they are out there, for they do not make the war, they are not the ones creating the reasons and conflicts, they are not the political machine that thrusts the globe into conflict. But they are the front line when it comes to its defense and those of them who conduct themselves with the honour, humanity and courage I witnessed deserve nothing but our support and respect, for respect is something to be earned, not assigned due to a badge or station, and these boys, in my eyes, will forever have my infinate respect.
May the USS Boxer bring you home safely boys
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